Reducing Rivalry in Relationships

Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 16 January 1999 19:00

Samuel Johnson was certainly right when he said, "Such seems to be the disposition of man, that whatever makes a distinction produces rivalry."

"Love does not envy."

Older translations of this verse say, "Love is not jealous."

This sounds almost wrong doesn?t it? Of course love is jealous. If my wife is spending time with another man and feeling romantically toward him, guess what? I?m jealous and I?m right to be, I think.

The root idea behind the word which our Bibles translate "envy" is passionate longing. Longing may be positive or negative depending on what I long for and why I long for it. God is said to be jealous of the affections of His followers. And the Bible exhorts us to be jealous in the section immediately after the verse we are looking at this morning. In 1 Corinthians 14:1, Paul says, "Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts." Here eagerly desire translates a form of the same word which in our verse is translated envy. In this case, we are told to eagerly desire special abilities and aptitudes which come from God. Such longing is positive.

But if we are longing for the wrong thing or for the wrong reason, then longing becomes a negative. When we want what is not rightfully ours, or when we want desperately to be what someone else is ? such desire is damaging and wrong. We call such longing envy.

Envy is a kind of fear. I fear that I am somehow less because I do not have what I want. I fear that I am somehow second-rate because I cannot do what I want to do. Envy is also a kind of pain. I hurt because my desire is unmet. I hurt because you have what I want or because you are what I want and you will not give me yourself. Envy is a kind of need. It longs to receive, it longs to grab, and hold exclusively. It wants what it cannot or should not have.

The love sonnet in 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about divine love. Divine love is gift love. It is not need love. Gift love does not envy. It recognizes the damage that envy does.

HOW ENVY RUINS RELATIONSHIPS

The Bibe tells us that envy hurts relationships in at least three ways:

1. It causes conflict

"What causes conflicts, fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don?t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight." James says.

The word covet comes from the same root word as the word "envy" in 1 Corinthians 13:4.
Conflict is not circumstancial. It doesn?t happen because you had a bad day or because someone did not treat you nicely. The roots of conflict are in our inner longings. Did you ever play the game King of the Hill? There's only room for one guy at the top. King of the Hill! Adults still play that game. In fact, jealousy fuels that game. I want to be King of the Hill. I want you to notice the kind of car I'm driving! Notice my jewelry! See how smart my kids are! Notice the color of my credit card! The game suits me well until someone has a nicer car or smarter kids or a better career.
Envy is one of the major causes of conflict in marriage. "You pay more attention to your job than you do to me!" "You get more freedom than I do. You get to go play golf all the time!" "You get more strokes.... You get more press.... You get more freedom." "We spend more time with your family than we do with mine." Two career families competing in careers.
Envy ruins relationships by causing conflicts.

2. It kindles resentment (and all of the bitter actions that follow)

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another."

Envy is the spark that lights the flame of resentment and hatred.
Paul here is describing himself before He had experienced the love of God.

Envy does not discriminate.

Paul was a very religious guy. I doubt seriously that he knew he was an envious person, until he saw himself through the light of God?s love. Envy can show up in any kind of relationship.
Family? The Bible is full of examples of sibling rivalry. Jacob and Essau, Cain and Abel, Rachel and Leah, Joseph and his brothers. There is even the seeds of envy between son and father with Absolam and David. There is certainly envy in the family.
Work? Professional jealousy, salesman envy other salesman, doctors envy other doctors, vice presidents envy other vice presidents, secretaries envy other secretaries. There's a lot of envy going on at work.
School? Tomorrow morning there will be hundreds of students comparing clothes, boyfriends, cars, grades, athletic ability, and so forth.
Can you have envy among friends? Absolutely. Why did she get married and I am still single?

Envy always, always causes bitterness. We resent other people because we're envious of their success. "I should have gotten the promotion, not them!" We resent other people's wealth. "Who do they think they are to live in a house like that? I wish I had it." We envy other people's achievement, their beauty. You can even envy other people's spirituality. "How come her husband is more spiritually committed than mine? That's not fair!" That's envy. And it's resentfulness.
And resentment in turn will eventually bubble over into malicious actions, usually toward those we claim to love. Writing about the sister?s relationship to Cinderella, Wilkie Au said, "Even when the envious cannot gain what others possess they seem set on depriving others enjoyment." James 3:16 "For where you find envy and selfish ambition you find disorder and every evil practice." Circle "every". He says if you're green with envy, you're going to be ripe for trouble. Envy leads to other sins. It can lead to gossip, stealing, adultery, murder. Joseph's bothers envied him and they sold him into slavery. When Saul envied David, he tried to kill him. The FBI says that one third of all known murders occur because of suspected infidelity.

3. It makes me miserable.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones!"

Envy is to your soul what cancer is to your body. It will eat you alive if you don't watch out. It will torment you and eventually consume you. Envy feeds on resentment and slowly consumes more and more of our time and energy and spiritual life. You become so obsessed you get depressed. Remember in Amadeus the guy that got so envious of Mozart? He finally went crazy! That's what envy can do to you. It eats you up. It makes you miserable. it makes you unhappy. Your envy lasts far longer than the happiness of the person you're envying.

Surely John Collins was right when he said, "Envy and fear are the only passions to which no pleasure is attached." You cannot be happy and envious at the same time. One of the great secrets of happiness in your life is learning how to eliminate envy in your life.

How do you eliminate envy from your life?

Two ways you don't do it:

1. Don't try to change your circumstances.
Envy does not depend on circumstance. If envy is not in the heart then no circumstance can arouse it. If envy is in the heart, every circumstance will offer it some opportunity to grow. "They have more money than we do so we'll just make more money." Of course, the problem with this thinking is you never get to the place where no one has more than you. If you're motivated by envy you're going to burn out because there's always a next level to be driven toward.

2. Don't try to change your feeling.
"I'm going to force myself to not be envious. I'm not going to feel that way." You can't force a feeling; it doesn't work. God says the way you change envy is by changing your perspective. The way you look at a situation is the way that you deal with envy.

FIVE WAYS TO OVERCOME ENVY IN RELATIONSHIPS:

1. Resist comparing myself to others.

All envy is started by comparing ourselves. If you don't do that you're not going to envy. 2 Cor. 10:12 "We do not dare classify or compare ourselves. It is not wise." God says it's stupid to compare yourself to others. Just dumb! We're all different. Comparing is the root of envy.

Don't compare. God says it's dumb. "Each on should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves, without comparing themselves to somebody else."

Galatians 6:4 You don't need to compare yourself with other people. Do your best. That's where satisfaction comes from. Never measure your worth by anybody else.

Envy is a choice. Anytime you're envious, you're choosing to be envious. It's making you miserable but it's your choice. You're choosing to compare and God says, don't do it! Whenever I start to get envious I need to stop and ask myself the tough questions like, "What am I telling myself at this moment? What am I telling myself about the situation that really isn't true? that my work is based on how I'm compared to somebody else?" Don't compare.

2. Recognize my uniqueness.
Envy is an expression of inferiority. When I'm insecure I get envious. It's always caused by low self esteem. Always. And low self-esteem is really a lopsided form of pride. With both an overinflated and an underinflated ego, I make myself the center of my concern and I rob myself of some of my potential to be concerned for others and to choose my own happiness and contentment. That's the real problem.

When I have low self esteem I feel threatened -- by people who are more beautiful, better dressed, have more status, more education, more charisma, etc. God says don't do it. Recognize your uniqueness. Don't be envious.
When a person has low self esteem -- a child, a spouse, an employee, whatever -- no matter how much love or how much attention you give them it's never enough. Because the moment you change your focus off of them they get envious. And they start envying what your focus is on. That's not your problem, it's their problem. Nobody should be the focus of another person all the time. That's insecurity. If I can deal with that insecurity I can learn to overcome envy and I'm not threatened by other people.

How do I deal with that insecurity?

The Bible says see yourself as God does. Psalm 139:13 "You, God, created every part of me; you put me together in my mother's womb." God says I put you together; you have designer genes. There is nobody like you in the whole world. There's nobody that will ever be like you. So why compare yourself to somebody else? There will never be anybody to compare yourself with. You're different. You're unique. When you get to heaven God is not going to say, "Why weren't you more like Moses?" or "Why weren't you more like Billy Graham or Mother Theresa?" God is going to say, "Why weren't you more like you? I made you to be you. If you don't be you, who's going to be you?" Quit copying somebody else. Quit imitating somebody else's lifestyle. Quit trying to be somebody you're not. God made you to be who you're made to be. That's where satisfaction comes in life. Where meaning, purpose, fulfillment comes.

Recognize your uniqueness. God says, "Not only did I make you unique, I've got a custom life style for you." Psalm 139;15 "You saw me before I was born. You scheduled every day of my life before I began to breathe." While I was in my mother's womb, He knew everyday I was going to live -- an antiabortion verse! God says He scheduled your life even before you were born.

This does not say that everything that happens in your life is God's will. It's not. We're supposed to pray, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." We wouldn't need to pray that if it was always done. It does not say that everything that happens in your life is good. I could go out and kill myself and that wouldn't be good or God's will. But God manages to take everything, all of it, even the bad in my life -- put it all together and bring good out of it. That's what Romans 8:28 says, "All things work together for good." It doesn't say all things are good but that all things work together for good. God has a plan.

If God has a plan and if I'm unique what that means is that everyone is a "10" in some area. On a scale of 1 to 10 you're a 10 in some area. You're a 10 in an area that nobody else in the world is a 10 at. Because of your makeup, your genes, your background, your temperament, your education, your experiences. Part of the job here at Saddleback as a Life Development church is to discover and develop that area that you're a 10 in and then maximize it until it becomes outstanding and you find a place, not only in your career, but in ministry that best expresses what God made you to be. When you find that area and start working on that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You're good at a few things, you're bad at most things -- so am I. It doesn't matter what you're bad at. What counts is what God made me to be good at.

Recognize your uniqueness. You don't need to envy anybody. You just need to become all that God meant for you to be in the first place.

Rejoice in what I have
In order to be rid of envy in relationships, I need to rejoice in what I have. Eccl. 6:9 "It's better to be satisfied with what you have than always be wanting something else."

In one of his letters to a young disciple, Paul said, "Godliness with contentment is great gain." Paul must be wrong. If Paul is right then our whole culture is wrong. Everything we do, everything we think is built on the assumption that gain comes from acquistion and consumption.

Loudoun County is now the fastest growing suburb in America. Have you driven around Western Faifax and Eastern Loudoun County lately? It?s overrun with successful people wearing nice clothes driving 2 year old Sports Utility Vehicles into the garage of their $250,000.00 homes who spend much of their time wondering why they don?t have more. Maybe I should be more driven ? Maybe I should work longer ? I bet they inherited that money?

The people in lovetown get so much accomplished. They choose to focus on what?s put before them and they do it with joy. The citizens of envyville on the other hand are always looking at their neighbors and workmates and schoolfriends. They are, in fact, too worried to get very much done.

Philippians 4:11 "I've learned to be content whatever the circumstance." Notice "learned". It is not natural to be content especially in America. We're taught discontent. It's something you have to learn, an educational process. You've got to learn it. One of the things I've got to learn is, "I've already got more now than I deserve." And so do you. We've already got more than we deserve.

Rely on God?s wisdom

Envy says, "I want what I want." Trust says, "I want what God wants."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Still we are convinced that we know the right way. Afterall, if we don?t make it happen and bring things under control, who will? "There is a way which seems right to a person but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 16:21 There is simply no need to envy and no room for it if our hearts are secure in God?s provision for us.

Rest in God?s presence

Psalm 73 is a loud complaint to God. The songwriter cannot understand God?s governance of the universe. He files an official objection saying "Why do the bad guys seem to get along so well and the good guys get the short end of the stick?" Listen to his words.
"As for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to humanity; they are not plagued by human ills. He goes on in such a vain for two more stanzas until he reaches a crescendo. "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence." Later the Psalmist describes the effect all of this had on him. "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered; I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."

So how does the Psalmist resolve this inner conflict? How is the fire of passionate longing set to rest?

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny."

Here is the end of envy: to be in God?s presence.

Envy says, "I will weep if somebody else gets to rejoice more than me. And I will distance myself from those who are weeping because I don?t want it to rub off on me.

Love says, "I will rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep."

Envy says, "I better get what I can get otherwise somebody else is sure to get it." Love says, "I am here to serve you and meet your need." "I have come not to be served but to serve."

Do you ever have a hard time handling the success of other people? Yes, you do. We all do from time to time. "Why did they get a promotion when I didn't? ... How come they're having a wedding and I'm still single? ... They're having a baby and we're not! ... They're getting to go to Europe; we're having to pay for braces." It prevents you from enjoying what other people are doing. Envy is resenting God's goodness to other people. It's saying, "I resent it, God, that You were good to those people." It's based on a misbelief that says, "Your success means my failure." That's not true. "Your pleasure means my pain." That's not true. God has enough goodness for everybody. He has no shortage. He can be good to everybody else and you. When God is good to somebody else it does not mean He's not going to be good to you. He's got more than enough goodness for all of us.

If you've ever said, "I've just got to have `this' in order to be happy, to survive". In the Bible, that's called idolatry. It's breaking the first commandment which says, "You shall have no other gods before Me." Anything you say, "I've got to have in order to live" is your god. The fact is there is only one thing that you absolutely have to have to make it in life and eternity. You absolutely have to have a relationship to Jesus Christ. Everything else is secondary. If anything takes the place of that as the ultimate goal and objective in life you're setting yourself up for envy because it can be taken away from you. The only thing that can never be taken away from you is your relationship to God through Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 23:17 "Don't be envious of sinful people. Let reverence for the Lord be the concern for your life. If it is, you have a bright future."

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