Telling the Truth to Each Other
Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 27 February 1999 19:00
Some of you will remember the old Superman series that always began by pronouncing Superman the champion of truth justice and the American Way. Recent survey results might throw doubt on placing those three concepts together.
One recent surveyer entitled his results "Truth be told, America is lying." When asked "Whom have you regularly lied to?" 86% said to parents, 75% said to friends, 61% said to boss, 59% to children, 73% to brothers or sisters, 69% to lover.
Another recent survey asked people under what circumstances it was okay to lie. The conclusions were astounding. 20% said making more money is enough justification to lie, 25% said it was OK to lie just to make yourself look better, 30% said they had lied on a job application, 46% knew a friend who had cheated on their spouse, 51% said people are not as honest as they were 10 years ago, nearly 60% said it was OK to lie to save yourself from embarrassment.
If he were still broadcasting, Walter Cronkite might be tempted to end his news program by saying, "And that?s the way we say it is," to better summarize the tenor of the news we get today.
And yet God says telling the truth is paramount. What you feel and what you are expressing in relationships does not rise to the level of love if you are lying. You cannot be say "I love you" and lie, because "Love rejoices in the truth." It's no wonder we have fragmenting relationships. You have to have honesty in a relationship for it to hold together.
"Love rejoices in truth," the Bible says. It desires truth, it wants it. Love seeks truth out. Love comes to full flower in the soil of truth. Dishonesty destroys relationships. No marriage can handle constant dishonesty in it without falling apart. No friendship can withstand the corrosive influence of ongoing lies.
And if I?m going to speak the truth to others the Bible says I must do 2 things.
- I must tell the truth consistently.
- I must tell the truth with concern.
1. TELL THE TRUTH CONSISTENTLY.
Tell the truth all the time. What if you came to your husband/wife and said, "I'm going to be faithful to you six days a week"? If you're not faithful all the time, you're not faithful at all. The same is true with honesty. If you don't have integrity all the time, you don't have integrity. If you lie 10% of the time you're lying.
Proverbs 11:3 "The integrity of the upright guides them..."
Integrity means honesty, virtue, principle, goodness. It also suggests consistency and unmixed or untainted. If you?re painting a room in your house, they always tell you its better to buy one five gallon drum of paint than to buy 5 one gallon drums because from can to can, the paint can change colors ever so slightly. It is likely to loose its integrity. But with one 5 gallon drum, you have consistency, you have integrity. Integrity is a first cousin to "truth." In fact in the Hebrew language the words come from the same root.
The Bible tells us that upright people are guided by their integrity. When upright people navigate their way through relationships, it is integrity that tells them where to go. They will be consistent. The truth will be their pattern. Not just when it suits them, but all the time. When people are consistent with the truth, they allow for the development of trust. All relationships are built on trust. Good relationships that is. Trust building comes through truth telling. Trust and truth go together. The way you build trust is by telling the truth consistently.
The Bible doesn?t seem to make any allowances for lying. I could not find a verse anywhere that suggested we should not lie unless? or we should not lie until ? That?s not just a preacher trick. I really tried to find a verse like that. I couldn?t.
You know, trust is hard-won these days. In another survey I saw recently people were asked "What professions do you trust the most?" What do you think was the most trusted profession? Pastors.
Advertisers 10%
Auto Mechanics 15%
Lawyers 18%
News reporters 35%
Fictitional characters from TV 45%
Politicians 60%
Doctors 3%
If you're a Christian and you're in any of these professions you have to work doubly hard to overcome an automatic bias against you. You've got to tell the truth consistently. And to make relationships work, you?ve got to tell the truth.
Colossians 3:9-10 "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off the old self with its evil practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator."
- Relationship with Christ makes such a dramatic difference in a person Paul refers to before and after as old self and new self.
- The old self is a lying self.
- The new self is a truth telling self, because it is motivated by love!
2. TELL THE TRUTH WITH CONCERN.
Don't use the truth as a club. Ephesians 4:15 "Speak the truth in a spirit of love." Not out of anger, resentment, hate, pressure but out of love.
God is always interested in the deeper layers of our personality. For instance, Jesus in the sermon on the mount says, "You have heard it said ?do not murder,? but I say anyone who looks at his neighbor with anger is in danger of judgment." And again he says, "You have heard it said ?do not commit adultery but I say to you anyone who looks with lust has committed adultery.?" The point is notice how Jesus cuts to the deeper area. He plunges to the area of motivation.
The same is true for truth. God is not concerned with spoken truth for truth?s sake. He?s concerned with promoting health in us and in our relationships. Truth does that, but only when it is spoken with concern for the other person.
We talked about this a few weeks ago when we looked at rudeness. The Bible says love is not rude. We talked about the importance of tact in dealing with one another. The truth can be either a healing sauve or a poison. The difference is often in how the truth is communicated. We looked at Proverbs 15:4 which says, "Kind words bring life but cruel words crush your spirit."
If I?m going the be loving then I will tell the truth consistently, but I will also tell it with concern and care for the other person. I will try to serve others with the truth. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Do not let any unwholesome speech come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
I know couples where one person is constantly criticizing the other. Often the criticism revolves around issues that are true. But this is not love. This may be compulsion, it may be control, but it is not love.
Love speaks the truth, but it does it with concern for the other. Love serves the other with truth.
Notice how the Bible addresses both sides of the issue. There are certainly times when we are tempted not to speak the truth because it casts us in an unfavorable light. In the face of such circumstances the Bible encourages us to speak the truth consistently. There are other times when the truth is difficult because of the impact it will have on someone else.
Think of telling someone you care about that they are simply too demanding. Or think of telling them that you think they were all wrong in a recent discussion when they were convinced you were on their side. They will feel betrayed and hurt. In those cases the Bible demands not only consistency but concern.
Love rejoices in the truth.
As we all know the truth can be very difficult from both sides of the coin. So why bother? Why exert the energy to be consistent and concerned? Why not just say what is convenient or say what you want any way you want?
I read recently about a young man who got an incredible post card.
"Dear Rob," began the hand-scrawled letter. "I read Bob Greene?s wonderful column about you. I love sports and true sportsmen. My faith in our nature was renewed and lifted by that column. Never lose your principles. Always stand for what is decent and right. That?s whay you told us all when you refused the victory!" It was signed Former President George Bush.
Soccer player Rob Mouw, a high school senior wasn?t used to publicity much less letters from former presidents. But his unusual action in a hotly contested soccer match was reported by a local newpaper and then by nationally syndicated columnist Bob Greene.
In the closing seconds of a game against Waubonsie Valley, a team ranked high in the state, Mouw managed a breakaway and kicked the tying goal. With his school?s fans cheering the upset and Waubonsie fans protesting the goal was late, Mouw walked to the referee and asked whether the official time was kept on the scoreboard or the referee?s stopwatch.
The scoreboard time was official, he was told. Mouw then explained that just before his kick, he had seen zeroes on the scoreboard clock. Since he hadn?t heard a whistle, he kept playing. But his goal was late, and he didn?t think it should count. The referee reversed his call, awarding the game to Waubonsie.
That night Mouw went home to his homework. "I didn?t think much about it," he says. "I hadn?t done anything that great. For me, acting honestly was just a reflection of Christ in me."
Bob Greene opened his column with this: "If you?re sick of the directin sports in this country have been taking ? from the preening and taunting of Deion Saunders and his many followers, to the tiresome bickering between millionaire professional athletes and the millionaire owners of their teams ? then here?s a story for you."
Greene ended his column with a quote from Mouw. "Every time in your life you have an opportunity to do right, you should be thankful. For a person to know what right is, and then not to do it ? that would be a sin. To have won the game ? I mean really who cares? Doing the right thing is more important. It lets you have peace."
It should be enough for us to say that we must tell the truth because it is the right thing to do. But it?s not. We also need to know that it works. And in the long run it does. God tells us that the fruit of truthfulness is:
- First of all healing.
- Secondly, it brings God?s delight.
- Thirdly, it brings salvation.
Proverbs 13:17 "A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing."
And to underscore the point we made earlier about concern with truth, Proverbs 12:18 says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Consistent truth spoken in love brings healing.
We all know that relationships go through various stages. Scott Peck, the best selling author of The Road Less Travelled says that difficult truth often brings chaos. But you have to go through chaos to get to intimacy. According to Peck, relationships where loving truth is not spoken consistently are relationships characterized by false community. False community is held together tentatively by superficialities. To get to true community, Peck says you have to be willing to risk the chaos caused by truth. But such places are sacred, Peck says. They are healing.
What a fantastic thing to know that God is delighted in you, to feel His pleasure.
Proverbs 12:22 "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who are truthful."
Zechariah 8:16-17 "These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts. Do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this," declares the Lord.
Proverbs gives us practical observation in 14:25 "A truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is deceitful."
Proverbs 11:6 "The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires."
Paul calls the good news about Jesus "the word of truth" in Ephesians 1:13 and in another place (2 Thessalonians 2:13) he says we are saved by believing the truth.
God never tells us that we will not have trouble. He never promises there will not be difficult times. Quite the opposite. But He does promise that a commitment to living your life by the right principles will guide you through difficulty. A commitment to truth is part of principled living.
The Bible says that an all encompassing commitment to the truth spoken with concern brings healing and it engenders God?s delight and it brings salvation. In short, it works. Relationships that are built on doing things God?s way work. They grow stronger and stronger. True community is formed. Intimacy happens. Support is exchanged. Relationships that are built on any other foundation are faulty. They often cannot survive the difficulties that inevitably come. The moral of the story is God?s way works. I really believe it.
You know, Rob Mouw eventually graduated from high school and went on to lead his college soccer team to the national championship. Now, I do not believe that Rob?s team won the national championship because he told the truth one day about the clock in his soccer game. Rob lead his team to the national championship because Rob is a talented soccer player, but I absolutely believe that Rob was able to make the most of his abilities, he was able to be the best Rob he could be because he lived by the right priniciples. God has given us principles which if followed will guide our relationships safely through all kinds of waters. They will grow deep and strong. God?s way is not easy, but it is simple.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth."
This is God?s prescription. You and I fail to follow it at our peril. Here is love. The path is narrow and few are the ones that find it, but it leads to green pastures.
There are few guarantees in life. I cannot guarantee to Diane, for instance, that I will always be this kind of man. She cannot guarantee me that she will be this kind of woman. But I can guarantee one thing. I can guarantee that with God?s filling, we can get close. If I allow Jesus to love Diane through me, then I will be this kind of man and if that is the case then I can triple scoup, no cross me?s, absolutely guarantee that our love will last. That we will be kept strong through all the storms of life. That at the end of it all people will be able to say about Diane that she was a better woman for having known Ed Allen because he really loved her. That?s true of all my relationships and of yours if we let Christ?s love ? his patient, kind, humble tactful, appropriate, other-center, gentle, forgiving, truthful power flow through us.
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You may have noticed at the end here that we left out a phrase. That?s where I want us to end today. "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth."
Paul here is not just talking about the need to speak the truth in our relationships although that is part of what he means. He is talking about much more. He is talking about the truth as a principle.
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Who are you failing to be honest with? Where are you holding back the truth and it hurts and you know it. It hurts and there's a problem, but you won't deal with it. Quit resigning. Quit withdrawing. Quit hiding from the truth. Deal with it. Deal with it consistently and with care.
What is your silence communicating? What are you pretending not to know? Or what are you pretending not to notice? For every alcoholic there is someone who is pretending there?s no problem. For most resentments and bitternesses between people, there is a hidden, unspoken truth that we won?t say. There's a problem in your relationship and you're pretending not to know it. Why is God such a stickler for truth? Because He is truth. God is truth. He always tells the truth. If you claim to be a believer, if you claim to follow Christ, you've got to tell the truth. It's not optional! Jesus said, "I am the truth." If you're going to be like Christ, you have to tell the truth. There are great benefits in the long run. It hurts up front sometimes, but over the long run it makes relationships work.
I hope that we're not just going to appreciate this message but I hope we?ll apply it, that we?ll be a doer of the word. I want to challenge each of us to take a calculated risk this week and be a truth teller. Level with the people closest to you. It's not going to be fun. And there may be some violent tempers and hurt feelings and real resentments, but if we?re really honest with ourselves we will realize that those are better than what we have now. Make a commitment to become a person of truth.
Some of you have been living a lie. You may fool me, your family, everyone around you, you may even fool yourself. God knows you're living a lie. You can be forgiven today and you can start over. You can begin to get your life set free. Jesus said, "Know the truth and the truth will set you free." That's the kind of life I want to live. That's the kind of life God wants you to live. Free! Where you're free from the anxiety, tension, and stress that comes from faking it! You don't have to live that way. You can be transparent. You can do it, not because you?re strong or because you?re determined. But because the life of Christ working in you will accomplish it in you.
Prayer:
This is how God wants you to live. He wants you to be free and the truth will set you free. Some of you have lost the joy in your Christian life and this is why. You know it. Heavenly Father, I love You and I love these people. But more than that You love these people. You see in each of our hearts and You see what's true and what's false. You know the lies that we live. We ask for Your forgiveness, for Your healing touch on lives and relationships. Give us the power and the strength to do the right thing, confront the issues that have been blocking the relationship and keeping it from growing. Help it get off the plateau and turn around. May there be true friendship, fellowship and intimacy in marriages, families, friendships, offices, our church and small groups. May this church be known as a place where they tell the truth. Help us not to be afraid of conflict but realize that conflict is the only way to intimacy. Father, there may be some here today who have never opened their lives to You, the truth. May they do so right now. If you're here and you've not invited Christ into your life, say "Jesus Christ, I want to know the truth and I want to trust the truth. I ask You to come into my life and replace dishonesty with honesty. Forgive all the things I've done wrong. I want to commit my life to You today and take the first step in the journey. In Jesus' name. Amen."