How to Manage Your Anger
Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 13 February 1999 19:00
The Journal of American Psychology estimates that 3.3 million children are exposed to domestic violence every year. Over 4 million women experience a serious assault by an intimate. Another source put the total number of women who experienced some form of abuse at over 10 million. And an estimated 28% of all High School and College students have experienced some degree of dating violence, including: stalking, humiliation, suicide threats, forced isolation from friends or family, physical or sexual abuse and personal threats.
These are dramatic examples of the result of uncontrolled anger. Do you know where these people live? According to the same surveys, they live in places like Chicago and Detroit and Miami, and Reston and Herndon and Ashburn and Sterling. In fact, there are very little statistically differences between races or socioeconomic groups when it comes to violence.
I would like to think that these perpetrators were very different from me. I would like to think that they were monsters. Sometimes they are. Usually, they?re baseball coaches and Sunday school teachers and managers for telecommunications companies and doctors and plumbers and policemen who otherwise seem seem like very nice people. They are people who do not know how to manage their anger. They?re people like us.
And everyday, in a neighborhood just like yours, a wife gets so angry with her husband that she says things to him she does not mean, things that inflict deep and sometimes permanent wounds. Everyday in a home just like yours, a father gets so frustrated with his son?s unwillingness to listen that jerks him far harder than he should. He gains not only his son?s attention but also his fear. Everyday on streets just like the ones we use, drivers use their cars as weapons in response to what they believe to be reckless, dangerous or just plain stupid driving on the part of some other driver. These are also the fruit of uncontrolled anger.
Today I want us to look at "How to Manage Your Anger". The Bible says "Love is not easily angered." It doesn't says love doesn't get angry because sometimes love does get angry. But "Love is not easily angered" and when angered it does not sin. If we are to act lovingly toward one another then we must know how to manage our anger. Let?s face it, the people we?re most likely to get angry at are those we love the most. But if we want to be loving and if we want our relationships to flourish, then we must not be controlled by anger.
The Bible says there are six keys to managing your anger. The first four deal with momentary anger. The last two are for long term change.
When I am angry:
- I realize the cost of not controlling, managing my anger.
- I resolve to manage it. The Bible says I need to make a decision to resolve to manage it.
- I reflect before reacting.
- I release my anger appropriately. There are good ways and bad ways to release my anger appropriately.
For long term help and change:
- I repattern my mind.
- I relate to people who are patient. Get to know people who know how to manage their anger.
WHEN ANGRY
1. REALIZE THE COST
The Bible says there is always a price tag for anger. Our experience confirms this doesn?t it? Many actions committed in anger are later regretted. We had not counted on the cost.
Proverbs 29:22 "An angry person stirs up dissension, and a hot tempered person commits many sins."
Steve Tran of Westminster California was livid. The roach problem in his apartment was out of control. By his own admission, Steve?s anger was "out of control". He went to the store and bought a bug bomb which he later set off in his apartment, but it seemed to have barely slowed down the roach population.
So sometime later he purchased 25 bug bombs. When he closed the door on 25 activated bug bombs he thought he had seen the last of his unwanted roomates. But when the spray reached the pilot light of the stove, it ignited, blasting his screen door across the street, breaking all his windows, and setting his furniture ablaze.
"I really wanted to kill all of them," Steve said. "I was determined that none of them would survive." According to the label, just 2 canisters of the fumigant would have solved Tran?s problem. Damage from the blast ultimately cost $10,000.
And as for the roaches, according to Tran "By Sunday I saw them walking around again." When I read that little anecdote I couldn?t help but laugh. Who could be so stupid, I thought. If he had been operating with any common sense, he would have simply read the label. If he had exercised any reason he could have guessed that this would probably not solve his roach problem. Why in the world did he think that more of something that already had not worked would solve the problem?
And then I winced in recognition. I remembered all those times when anger motivated me to scream because my normal voice had gone unheeded. I thought of all of the excesses in my own behavior caused by anger. I thought of the cost to Diane and my boys and the people who haved worked with me or served me in the past. And what was the gain?
Steve Tran?s story reminds us graphically of the final and terrible irony associated with uncontrolled anger. It is exercised at great cost and without any return.
A first step in managing anger is to realize the cost.
2. RESOLVE TO MANAGE IT
Colossians 3:8 "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips."
Anger is not necessarily a sin. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that God gets angry. Jesus certainly got angry ? at the religious leaders, at all unbelief and prejudice, even at his friends. God gave us, in our biological makeup, the capacity to get angry. And anger managed correctly can be an asset rather than a liability. You can't avoid anger but you must learn how to control it. You must learn to manage it. We begin to do that by resolving to manage it.
Some of us refuse to take responsibility for our anger. "That's just me. I just blow up. I can't control it." I don't believe that. Have you ever been in a fight with someone when the telephone rings? Notice how quickly you can manage your anger! You've got a lot more control over your anger than you think you do.
Resolve to manage it. Admit it -- "I can control it with God's help."
3. REFLECT BEFORE REACTING
Don't respond impulsively.
Proverbs 12:16 "A fool shows their annoyance at once."
Proverbs 14:29 "A patient person has great understanding, but a quick tempered person displays folly."
It was Jefferson that said, "When you get angry count to 10; when you get real angry count to 100." Reflect before reacting.
10 times the Bible says that God is slow to anger. In almost everyone of those instances the author also reflects on God?s constant, consistent love. In the face of my stubborn disobedience, my weak faith, and my unwillingness to do the things that I know are good for me in the long run ? yet I find that God deals with me patiently, lovingly and far, far, far more gently than I would deal with myself if I were Him.
What right do I have to allow my behavior to be controlled by anger? Especially when directed toward those I claim to love?
The contrast in Proverbs 14:29 is between a patient person and a quick-tempered one. The quick-tempered one show himself or herself to be a fool. They do stupid things. They act and others are thinking "you idiot." But the patient person, the one who waits, the one who counts, the one who takes time to cool off has great understanding.
You have to have understanding before you can give it. Maybe that?s a starting place for us. Try to understand your anger. Look at it. Analyze it. Ask yourself:
"Why am I angry?"
"What do I really want?"
"How can I get it?"
4. RELEASE MY ANGER APPROPRIATELY
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin: do not let the sin go down on your anger."
The first part of this verse implies that there is a way to get angry and not sin. Anger is an emotion. I cannot think of a single time when the Bible condemns our emotions.
The Bible does condemn how we respond ? both what we think and how we act. Is all anger sin? No. As we said, God gets angry and God created you with a capacity to get angry. But there are right ways to get angry and wrong ways to get angry. There are helpful ways and harmful ways. Appropriate ways and inappropriate ways. You need to learn to express your anger in appropriate ways. Because nothing can ruin a relationship faster than anger. Nothing can destroy a relationship faster
So how do I release my anger appropriately? I often employ one of three inappropriate strategies in dealing with anger.
- I deny it.
- I suppress it.
- I let it rip.
Anger is like a pot of boiling water. If I put a lid on it and pretend it?s not there, it will find some way to get out. In a recent survey, American internists suggested that 80% of all the illnesses they treat are secondary illnesses. That is, they are caused not by germs or physical harm or even aging. Their primary cause is depression or anger.
In reality, anger cannot be successfully denied. And the Bible is very honest in dealing with anger ? both the anger of God and the anger of those who follow Him. In fact, every verse we have read thus far and many more assume the presence of anger.
The second part of Ephesians 4:26 reads ?
Do not let the sun go down on anger. It will fester and worsen. Do not suppress it. Do not try to push it down. Do not try to overpower it by force of will.
This is the way it works for me ?
Say anything I want, do anything I want. Feel like I deserve to because I?m mad. Problem: anger is costly.
Proverbs 29:11 "A fool gives full vent to their anger, but a wise person keeps themself under control."
"If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin." But all three of these responses will lead us into sin.
D. The fourth option is to confess it.
Synonyms for confess are "concede", "acknowledge", "admit", "allow". This does not mean proclaim, pronounce or affirm. In other words, we do not confess anger as a right. "I?m angry and its your fault. You are an idiot and you always do this and you have to make me feel better now and I?m going to punish you until you do." Anger is not our right. It is simply the reality of how we feel. We may be entirely wrong. Even if we are right, we cannot release it in a way that hurts others.
So we concede. "I?m angry. I don?t know exactly why. I do not want to hurt you because you mean more to me than my anger, but I don?t know how to deal with what I?m feeling right now." Or "I?m angry because you hurt me. I can?t believe you said what you said. Here?s what it communicated to me." Or "I?m angry. You said you were going to do so and so and it?s not done."
It may be shocking to some of us that the Bible calls on us to release anger, but it must be done appropriately or we will continue to damage relationships. If we are operating under the impulse of love we will not be easily angered.
Further help:
Books: The Language of Love by Gary Smalley transept
Make Anger Your Ally by Neil Warren
Both of those books will help you learn how to express anger in a positive way.
OVER THE LONG TERM
5. REPATTERN MY MIND.
5. REPATTERN MY MIND.
These last two points are for long term change. Romans 12:2 "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
The way you act is determined by the way you feel. The way you feel is determined by the way you think. If you want to change the way you act you've got to change the way you think. I'm acting angry because I feel angry, I've got angry emotions in me. I'm feeling these angry emotions in me because I'm choosing to think angry thoughts. If I want to change an habitual pattern of improper anger management -- pouting, blowing up, criticizing, screaming uncontrollably, etc. -- then I need to have some mental reconditioning. "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Old hurts, old self-deprecating tapes, old messages that produce frustration and disappointment are like old unexploded bombs.
In 1997, a WW II bomb exploded in the French countryside killing 13 people and wounding 11 more. The bomb was planted to prevent German tanks from marching across the French countryside. It was left untouched for a generation. According to French Interior Ministry experts, "unexploded bombs get more dangerous with time. With corrosion indie, the weapon becomes more unstable, te detonato can be exposed."
What is true of old bombs is even more true of old hurts and old disappointments and the messages we attach to them. As long as we keep those old messages going, we are subject to an explosion which we do not expect.
Get rid of those old messages.
Get rid of those old messages.
Then allow God to repattern the way you respond to anger. Neil Warren in his book encourages people to set down and write out a letter to themselves that says the picture of their ideal response to anger. Think of the thing that makes you angry and then write out how you would really like to respond. Be as vivid and detailed as possible. Do this as a homework assignment. Write a letter to yourself. Think of the irritation, think of the way you'd like to respond -- resolve it in advance, decide, choose, prepare in advance. Ask yourselves some things like, "Do I enjoy getting angry?" "Does it produce the intended results when I get angry?" "Could I get the same results in a more effective way?" "How would I be different?" "What would I like to be in the ideal response to that situation?" "How would Jesus respond if he were in that situation?" "Why would he respond that way?"
Smalley suggests you write it down and read it aloud to yourself once a week for six months -- 26 times. Read it in the presence of another person. That's a lot of work? How serious are you about changing this habit in your life? How seriously do you want to get control of your anger? If you'll do this -- write it out, take some of these Bible verses and use them in the letter so that it changes your life. As the word fills your mind, you're transformed. As you do this you will be slowly transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's going to change you.
6. I NEED TO RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE PATIENT.
Proverbs 22:24 "Do not make friends with a hot tempered man. Do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared."
Is anger contagious? Yes. Can you be infected by somebody else's anger? Certainly
In his autobiography Number 1, Billy Marine about hunting in Texas with Mickey Mantle. (see illustration card)
The Bible says surround yourself with people who will model right anger management. If you are serious about changing an imbedded, habitual lifestyle of inappropriate anger management then you need to start fellowshiping with friends who know how to manage their anger. That's one of the benefits of a church. That's why I believe in joining a church family and getting involved. That's why I believe in joining a small group. You pick up positive values. Many other things in our world are teaching us the wrong way to express your anger.
You go home tonight, turn on the TV, and I guarantee at least half the programming will have to do with the inappropriate response to anger and violence, the wrong ways to do it. What is that teaching our kids? When you get angry, shoot a gun, slug somebody in the face, stab them in the back, yell and cuss at them, manipulate them? You need a balance from all those inappropriate models and a church is a good place to get that. Get around people who are dealing with anger the way Jesus would. All anger is learned. Since it's learned, it can be unlearned. Parents, every time I blow up and loose my cool, I'm modeling inappropriate anger to my kids. They're learning. Whatever you're doing you're modeling, teaching.
James Dobson says this, "Successful marriages are not those marriages where anger or conflict does not exist. But rather, successful marriages are where they've learned to manage their anger. When anger is managed it produces great marriages." If you didn't have any anger you'd just be a vegetable. God made you a human being with anger. I'd like to add this: When anger is managed it also produces great friendships and churches and businesses. It produces great athletes and leaders, because that emotional energy focused for good has tremendous potential.
I am convinced that most of you could have most of the needs you feel need to be met in the relationship you're already in, if you'll learn how to communicate correctly the language of love and manage your anger. I hope some of you husbands and wives will commit to working together to learn the tools of anger management in a world that is increasingly becoming more and more violent and people are taking it out on each other.
How does Jesus Christ help us overcome our anger? He does it by attacking the root problem. Jesus talks about your hurt, your frustration and your fears. He wants to replace that hurt in your life with His healing love. You may have been hurt in the past, maybe you were abused, rejected, unloved, unwanted, maybe you could never get the approval of somebody who was important to you. Your pain matters to God. He cares about it. He wants to replace that hurt with His love in a way that nothing else can do. Jesus Christ wants to replace your frustration with a new level of peace, "My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, but My peace -- peace that passes understanding." You can't even understand it, it's so incredible. Jesus Christ wants to replace your fears, your insecurities, the things that threaten you with His power because "God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."
My guess is God has been talking to some of you and you need to deal with this area of anger. I hope you will take these steps this week.
Prayer:
Would you pray, "Dear God, I want to resolve to manage my anger. Today, with Your help I'm going to take control of my temper. I've fallen in the past but today I make a new commitment, a new start. Help me to realize the cost of my anger, that it causes arguments, mistakes and causes me to do foolish things and get into all kinds of trouble. When I loose my temper I always loose. Help me to reflect before reacting, to have wisdom and ask myself, `Why am I angry? What do I really want? How can I get it?' Help me to see the causes beneath my anger. Help me to release my anger appropriately, to not repress it, not pretend that I don't have it, not express it through violence, shouting, pouting or just being quiet and holding it in as a grudge. Help me to admit it, confess it to You, myself and others. Help me to repattern my mind, to spend daily time with You in Your word, have a daily quiet time where my mind can be slowly transformed to think the thoughts that are correct and bring the behavior that I want. Help me to relate to people who have learned or are learning to manage their anger." If you've never opened your life to Christ would you say, "Jesus Christ come in to my heart and replace the hurt with Your healing love, replace the frustrations I feel with Your peace, and replace the fears and insecurities I have with Your power and confidence." Some of you need to find a church home where you can get involved and be more than just a spectator and to begin to really build character in your life. Jesus Christ, thank You for Your word and it's practical relevance to our lives. Help us to be loving and not easily angered. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.