The Power of Patience
Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 26 December 1998 19:00
The Bible confirms our experience when it says that it's not good for a person to be alone. We were made for community. It's not by accident that solitary confinement is considered punishment. Relationships are very, very important for three reasons.
Relationships determine your happiness. They are the source of our greatest pleasures and our greatest pain. Psychologists tell us that most emotional problems are rooted in wrong relationships. Most suicides happen because of unhealthy relationships.
Our relationships determine our success. The American Management Association said the number one important skill that an executive should have is the ability to get along with other people. Rockefeller said, "I'll pay anything for the ability to deal with people".
Our relationships develop our character. Who we are a year from today will largely be determined by two things: the things you allow in your mind and the people to whom we relate. This is especially true of young people. The Bible says in I Cor. 15 "Bad company corrupts good character." Who we spend our time with shapes us.
But in our society relationships are fragmenting at an alarming rate. We are much more likely to live away from our parents and a natural network of support than were previous generations. Half of us are divorced. We work longer hours and spend more time watching TV so we have less to time interact with others. And there aren't many good role models around that show us how to develop healthy relationships.
If I want make good relationships one of my resolutions for 1999 how do I do that? How do I build healthy relationships?
Today we?re going to resume a series called building great relationships which we started before the four Sundays of Advent. The first week we talked about diagnosing the problem. We saw that there is a great gulf between us and God that damages our ability to relate to Him and to one another. This great divide can be bridged by a relationship with Jesus.
The next week we observed that loving others is life?s greatest aim. We saw that the Bible says Love is to be the basis of all our relationships. We all know that. But the problem is most people misunderstand love. We need to define it. God dedicated an entire chapter in the Bible to it, saying Love is this, Love is not that...
Today we're going to look at the first characteristic given for love. I Cor. 13:4 "Love is Patient". God says that when you're going to relate to people, if we want to have big, healthy, growing relationships the first thing we need is patience.
Why would God know that? He's had several thousand years experience dealing with people. He's had to have patience. One Greek dictionary suggested that the word in Greek literally means "It takes a long time to boil". We talk about somebody having a short fuse; Patience is having a long fuse. This word is never used in relationship to anything else in the Bible except people. You need to take a long time to boil when you relate to people.
Love is patient. That means that when we act under the impulse of love we will be patient. It's unloving to be impatient. When I'm patient with my kids I'm loving them. When I'm patient with my wife, I'm loving her. When I'm impatient I'm unloving.
So Why is Patience so Vital to Relationships?
Why do you suppose God starts off his list of how to build great relationships with patience? Why is it the most important thing?
1. Because Patience has the Power to persuade.
To persuade is to influence someone to change, or to motivate someone to a new perspective, or a desired decision. Anger does not persuade. It may intimidate, but not persuade. Frustration does not persuade. Despair does not persuade. But patience has the power of persuasion.Proverbs 25:15 says, "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded; and a gentle tongue can break a bone."
Lewis Smedes wrote a great book on love called Love Within Limits. Commenting on patience he said, "patience is not passive. It is a tough, active, aggressive style of life. It takes power of soul to be patient."
God?s patience towards us is an active force. It waits on us with expectancy. It exercises its energy toward us, coercise, motivating, inspiring and slowly bringing change that could not be brought about quickly for fear of doing damage.
Before moving to N. VA, Diane and I lived and pastored in the Boston, MA area. Larry came to our church during the first month of our time there. Over time we realized there were two significant barriers to Larry?s spiritual health and to his relationships. He had a drug habit that was off and on but which he could not seem to overcome and he had a problem with the truth, meaning he had no use for it if it did not serve him.
Larry was confronted for years. Furiously and even violently by his wife. Angrily by friends. With great frustration by many people in our church. At several points, given a clear albeit difficult passage to change, Larry refused to take it. And finally after several years Larry disappeared from our lives and the life of our church.
About two years later I received this letter:
Ed,There is a physical principle that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is also true of the emotional world. Impatience escalates and exacerbates. It is usually met with equal amounts of anger and intensity. Patience softens and resolves. Over time, it is met with appreciation and change.I?m glad to know you are still at the church. I spoke with someone the other day who knows you. He said things were going good. That?s good to hear and its important to me even though you may not think so. It was kind of a reminder to me of how you?re in the right place and I?m not. I guess that?s always been true. In case you did not know it, I?m in jail at Charles Street. Things have been tough lately. (he goes on to explain)
Well, I?m writing to let you know I guess you were right all along. I don?t think I understood or maybe I did not want to. Anyway, I know I need to make some of the changes you talked about. (He goes on to list some of those changes and ends with this)
Thank you for being patient with me. I know I can write this because I know you won?t be looking down on me and stuff. I guess if you tell someone something long enough, sooner or later their gonna get it. Pray for me. I cannot make changes in my life unless God helps me.
Your brother,
Larry
2. Because Patience is the power to inherit.
Hebrews 6:10-12 "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."God is not in favor of merely hanging on. He advocates active, robust, vital patience. Because patience is powerful. It eventually inherits what impatience long ago gave up on.
This really gets at the heart of what it means to be patient. Patience is the ability to wait and to endure. In older English they used the word long-suffering to communicate this idea. Older versions of the Bible translate this verse "Love suffers long."
Concerning this, Lewis Smedes, said,
"Love is an uncommon power to cope with common suffering. Suffering itself takes no talent. It comes to us, takes us captive, pins us down. We are all its victims. Some of us have to suffer more than others. Some are able to suffer with more grace than others. But it is love that enables us to suffer long.Do you want your marriage to work? Do you want your life to have an impact on others? Then you must exercise PATIENCE! You have heard the old proverb, "good things come to those who wait." That?s why love suffers long. Love puts up with another, love endures in relationships, love stays even when things are frustrating and tough. Love is not blind to fault, but it is patient. Real, lasting change does not come easily or quickly. Love suffers long.However, to suffer long seems like a grim return on love. Love, it would seem, holds a poor hand if long-suffering is one of its best cards. But in a world where suffering is almost a law of life, the power to suffer long may be one of life?s most needed gifts."
This does not mean that love does not draw any lines or set up any boundaries. The wife of the abusive husband, the friend of the alcoholic, the parent of the drug addicted or habitually irresponsible child - all of these must set limits and sometimes make tough choices. But the impulse and motivation must be love. It must be with a view toward the long-term good of the other. It cannot be because we have run out of patience. If we have run out of patience and respond out of anger or frustration or despair, then we have run out of love. We have surrendered the power to persuade. We have lost what we might have inherited.
But sometimes it is almost impossible not to respond out of frustration, or anger or despair.
Why is Patience So Difficult in Relationships?
We all know the feeling of utter exasperation, complete frustration and seemingly boundless irritation that can result from having to deal with other members of the human race. I have told my boys a number of times it?s a pity God had to put you into a family with other people. You'd do just fine if you could be all alone. Of course, that?s not true either. We?re much better off with other people, we just can?t seem to get along with other people sometimes. Why not?
1. Because everybody is different.
Everybody is an original. Each of us was individually crafted, "fearfully and wonderfully." As evidence look at your brothers and sisters, or at your own children if you're a parent with two or three kids. From the same family, completely different people. God made us with a unique shape.
There are five factors that make us different from one another. These factors are how God has shaped us.
S Your spiritual gift --The special abilities God has given you to serve Him and establish a relationship with Him. In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul says,
In this way God acknowledges the uniqueness of each of us by working through each of us uniquely.
We have different perspectives. For example, some of us think the cup is half full, some of us think it is half empty. Witnesses at a crime scene often see very different things from the same set of facts. Last week, the U. S. House of Representatives voted on highly partisan lines to impeach an elected president for the first time in our nation's history. The Democrats voted one way, the Republicans voted another - and yet very, very few of them disagreed on the facts. But they disagreed vehemently on what conclusion those facts led to.
Here?s another example:
Imagine bringing home a report card with 5 A's and 1 B. English, A; Math, A; History, A; Physics, A; Biology, B; P.E., A. If this had been your report card how would you have felt?
1) I'd feel good knowing my parents felt good too.We are all different. Because we're all different, we need to be patient in dealing with one another...
2) My parents would want to know why I made a B in Biology.
3) I would expect a big reward from my parents if I brought home this card.
4) I'd feel sad because I hadn't gotten straight A's.
5) I'd call NBC news and schedule a press conference to announce the great results!
2. Because differences create misunderstandings.
Because none of us are alike it creates misunderstandings. Often we just can't figure each other out. We don't know where other people are coming from. Look again at the debate last week over impeaching President Clinton. There were people speaking passionately from both sides, completely unable to understand the other.
I Cor. 2:11 "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man?s spirit within him?" How would you restate that in your own words? < p>"I just can?t figure out what he?s thinking." "Honestly, you never know what?s on her mind." Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Sound familiar?The same words mean different things to different people so communication that should be clear, breaks down. Given exactly the same kinds of feelings, different people respond differently so I?m not always sure what you?re feeling even when I know what you?re saying and how you?re acting.
Have you used any of these phrases in the last thirty days?
- I don't understand the way he acts.
- She doesn't understand me.
- He's on a different wave length.
- She doesn't make any sense.
- How can you think that way?
- My parents are from another time zone.
- Why do I have to tell you 48 times before you do it?
- Why won't you talk to me?
- Why do you get so emotional?
What is perfectly clear to me, is muddy and vague to you. I left things tentatively. You heard the same thing and thought it was sure. I need to be alone to think. You want lots of others around so your feelings are hurt. Because we're so different we have misunderstandings.
If we?re going to develop healthy relationships patience is vital.
HOW TO BE MORE PATIENT WITH PEOPLE
So how do we do this? The Bible tells us to "Be patient with everybody." (1 Th. 5:14) This is not a suggestion; it is a command. But how? We?ve already talked about how difficult it is. I misunderstand people and they misunderstand me.
To dwell above, with those we love, that will be a glory
Here are five guides to being patient with people.
1. Remember how patient God is with me.
You'll never have to be more patient with anybody else than God has been with you. I Tim. 1:16, Paul speaking "I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst sinner, Christ might display his unlimited patience." God choose me, Paul said. Paul was a murderer. He participated in the murder of Stephen. He was a fanatic. He said, God turned me around just to show His unlimited patience.The next time you say to your kids, "Grow up!" remember God wants to say that to you. Or when you want to say to a coworker, "How many times do you need to be shown the same thing?" Remember God has shown you the same thing over and over again.
Romans 15:7 "Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you." The motive: The reason I am to accept other people is because God has accepted me. The reason I am to be patient with other people is that God is patient with me. The reason I am to try to get along with others is that God gets along with me. The starting point is to remember how patient God is with me.
2. Recognize How God sees You.
A big reason that Paul wrote his letter to the Christians in Corinth was because he had heard about a series of arguments and quarrels among them. He was shocked."I can?t address you as spiritual people," he says, "since there is jealousy and quarreling among you."
"Do not be deceived. If anyone thinks they are wise by the standards of this age, they should become a fool so that they may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God?s sight."
If our wisdom looks like foolishness to God, imagine what our foolishness looks like. We will have an easier time being patient if we see ourselves in the clear light of God?s perspective. We are like sheep. Dearly loved, with some great qualities, but not very smart.
Several times in the Bible patience is associated with humility and contrasted with pride. For example, "The end of matter is better than its beginning and patience is better than pride." Eccl 7:8 or "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love." Eph 4:2
We need to see ourselves as God sees us.
3. Make allowances for each other.
Everybody's got bad days. We're all flaky from time to time. Time of day, week, month. Diane knows there are certain times she should just get out of my way. She makes allowances for me. We all have bad days, it's just a fact of life. This is what the Bible means when it says, "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
4. Be still before God.
Several of the themes that we have talked about are brought together by King David in Psalm 37. Read with me verses 3-7a
Patience is a matter of ongoing character, but stillness before God is always a moment by moment choice. We can choose stillness and this in turn teaches us patience. Daily stillness before God nurtures within us God?s perspective. We will see how much He loves us. We will see our own foolishness before Him and His great patience with us. We will see the way to make allowances for others. We will be filled with the love which is the impulse behind real patience.
5. Receive God?s work in you.
Galatians 5:22 says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."This tells us that patience is a fruit of God?s work in our lives. All an apple tree has to do to bear apples is grow up. (Bugs Life Illustration)
Letter:
God has restored a marriage and rekindled a love that was virtually dead. God had to break, bend, and finally remold me so that I would be ready when God began a work in my husband's life. Five years ago I sat in the last row and I thought you surely were talking to me as you told of Jesus' love and hope for the despairing. As my tears quietly fell, I found God's loving forgiveness and real hope and strength. I went home that day with my one year old son to a husband who worked constantly, drank heavily and was emotionally hurting. But this time Jesus came too. You'll never know the strength that God gave me over the months that followed. I wanted to run away and start over but I stayed and stayed and let God begin his work of changing me. I stopped praying for God to fix my marriage and husband and started asking Him to change me. Through the pain God sheltered me. Two years ago God removed from my husband a desire for alcohol and He did it overnight. This past summer I decided to get off the fence and commit every area of my life to Christ. I gave Him all those areas I'd stubbornly held on to. I said, "God, whatever it takes to bring me close to You, You do it. I'm going to stay in this marriage and let You work Your will in my life. Three months later, in God's timing, my husband accepted Jesus Christ as His savior. Talk about an answer to prayer! I'm married to a brand new man, one who loves God and wants our family to live according to God's will. You've said on so many occasions how God can rekindle a dead love. My husband and I are proof of God's caring, His power and His ability to change hearts and bring to life a dead relationship. I love my husband now more than ever. Our priorities in the family are straight. God is first. God is so faithful in restoring the years that the locusts had eaten. He's been wonderful to us. Now, our six year old son prays, "Thank you, Jesus, for coming in to my daddy's heart and making him nice to me and not mean. I love my daddy." As a family we now anticipate growing in the Lord Jesus, participating and fellowshiping and being an encouragement of love to other people.That's the power of patience! Instead of saying, "God, instead of changing those people who are irritating my life start working on me and my attitude." Once He's got you right, then He can start working on other people.
Remembrance, Recognition, Allowance, Stillness, Reception