How to Give and Get Respect

Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 30 January 1999 19:00

Recently we've seen a lot of stories in the news like this: A lady in Cambridge, Massachusetts was told by the bus driver that she couldn't smoke on the bus, so she beat him repeatedly with her umbrella... A man in an Atlanta restaurant was told that a wait for a table would be two hours so he slugged the hostess... A gas meter reader in Houston went to check the home gas meter and was shot in the stomach with a pellet gun by the resident.

There is no doubt about it, rudeness is on the rise. According to a Princeton Survey Research Associates 1995 survey, 61% of the American general public believes our society is rude. The younger the respondent the more likely they were to believe this confirming our suspicion that we are getting ruder and ruder. 67% think that Americans are more likely to use vulgar language than they were just ten years ago. 75% think that parents are less civil about keeping their children under control. And 71% believe that drivers are more rude than ten years ago and 61% believe that they are themselves more rude on the road.

Some recent articles reveal the trend: from the Wall Street Journal "What Happened to Common Courtesy?" From Time magazine: "What Ever Happened to Good Service?" USA Today: "The Decline of Civility". "Reviving Common Courtesy". USA News: "Why People Are Rude and How It Harms Society"

The Bible says in I Corinthians 13:5 "Love is not rude." Phillips translation says, "Love has good manners."

What is rudeness? The dictionary offers these synonyms: discourtesy, brusqueness, impertinence, incivility. Rudeness is a gross lack of common courtesy. Being cross with one another. Treating others with harshness.

Rudeness results from a lack of respect for others. Rudeness reveals that I could care less about you. I'm only thinking of myself. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or whether it hurts you or not, I'm going to do what I want to do, say what I want to say. The world is getting more rude. The Bible says, "Love is not rude."

Now, if we?re honest, some of us will say, "Come on, Paul. What?s the big deal? I mean why put rudeness in the same category as some of these other qualities? How did rudeness make the all-star relationship-building list? It?s annoying, sure. Impolite, sure. But it hardly seems on par with pride and patience and kindness and envy."

Well, instead of answering this question in the negative, let?s answer in the positive.

Why treat everyone with respect?

1. Because God made everybody.

Psalm 8:5 "You, God, made man inferior only to yourself. You crowned him with glory and honor." The Bible says that people are the crown of creation. Even the despicable, unlovely person, riffraff -- God says "I made him. I created her." Because we are all created by God, we all deserve respect. We tend to be polite to people we consider more important than us in the social status. We tend to be rude to people we think are below us in social status. But God says they're all Mine. Be respectful to everybody. Be respectful to the President and to the beggar on the street, the CEO and the guy who's homeless. God made them all.

2. Because God tells me to respect everyone.

And God never commands us to do anything without telling us why.

3. Because it minimizes conflict

We all know this instinctively. We know it from being treated with respect in certain situations and then not being treated respectfully in others. Respecting others helps contain their anger.

Proverbs says it like this: "A gentle answer turns away wrath." 15:1

4. Because I'll get back what I give.

"Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. A person reaps what they sow."

The title of a currently popular song summarizes this very succinctly: "You Only Get What You Give". This is the principle of sowing and reaping. It's the reciprocal law of life: whatever you plant, you're going to harvest; whatever you sow, you're going to reap; what goes around, comes around. The point is this: whatever in life you need, give it away. That's how you get it. Would you like to be respected by other people, then you need to give respect to other people. What you give out is what you're going to get back. If you want to be treated graciously by other people, then you need to treat people graciously. You want people to smile at you, then you smile at them. But if you're rude to people, what are people going to be to you? Rude. Whatever you sow you're going to reap.

Proverbs 11:17b "a cruel man brings trouble on himself."

How do I give and get respect?

The way I give it is the way I get it. And the way you get it is by the way you give it. The Bible says, "Love is not rude."

It never pays to be rude. It never gets the intended results. Never. Any business knows this. If you don't treat customers with respect you don't get them back. Many of you are business people. If you want your business to shine it's simple: treat people with respect. Regardless of what your product is, focus on customer service and treat people with kindness, courtesy and respect. Last year Faith Popcorn released her latest installment in future trends research saying that the businesses that survive into the 21^st Century will be businesses that focus on value-added products and on customer service. What you give out is what you're going to get back. You'll get back what you give out.

This is also true of all relationships. Those relationships that survive into the 21^st C will be relationships that focus on respecting one another and serving one another.

When are you most likely to be rude? When you?re tired? When you?re angry? When you have an important point to make and no one is listening? When you have a difficult truth to tell someone? If I?m going to build healthy relationships I will not be rude. Not ever. I will always respect everyone.

Let me put it another way. When I?m operating under the influence of love, I will not be rude. I will treat others with respect and dignity. I will be civil and courteous. Even under stress and strain, I will be respectful. The Bible doesn?t say that love should be courteous. It says love is not rude. If I am rude, I am not loving.

This is not a small matter. Rudeness always produces hurt. Sometimes the hurt is small -- almost unnoticed. But a small hurt is like a small infection. It always grows.

{Illustration: "Have you ever been in one of those arguments that somehow got way out of proportion?" Conflicts that start out small and grow out of proportion. Wonder why. With Diane and I its because I have not respected her and she has let her hurt grow. Both need to apologize.}

I want us to look at five ways we can give and get respect from others.

1. When you speak to people be tactful not just truthful.

I start with speaking because the primary way we're rude to people is with our words. Proverbs 15:23 "To make an apt answer is a joy to anyone, and a word in season, how good it is!"

What he's talking about here is tact. Tactfulness is thinking before you speak. When we speak we always communicate more than just the sum total of what our words say. Does that make sense? {"What are you doing?" said different ways.}

If you're going to learn communication that promotes relationships, then the secret is tactfulness. If you want good people skills, develop tactfulness. Learn how to say things the right way. Tactfulness is relational lubrication. It minimizes friction between people. Somebody said, "When you use tact you have less to retract." Because you think first. I can't overestimate the importance of tactfulness. Yes, Christians are called to be truthful; they're called to be tactful, too.

Definitions of tact:

Tact is what you thought but didn't say.

Tact is the ability to make a point without making an enemy.

Tact is when somebody tells you to "go jump off a cliff" that makes you look forward to the journey."

Tact is treating everybody as if they knew what they were talking about when they don't.

Tact is the art of telling somebody he's open minded when he just has a hole in his head.
Tact is changing the subject without changing your mind.

The Bible what I believe is the world?s best definition of tact in Ephesians 4: "Speaking the truth in love." When you speak to people, be tactful, not just truthful. Proverbs 15:4 "Kind words bring life but cruel words crush your spirit."

The truth can be either a healing salve or a poison. The difference is usually tact.

Have you ever met anybody who was proud of their rudeness? "I just tell it like it is and let the chips fall!" That's not candor; that's just rudeness. That just means you're insecure and you don?t care very much about other people. A person is called to be not only truthful, but tactful.
Like the man who came up to the pastor after the message on "The Parable of the Talents" and said, "Pastor, my talent is to speak my mind." The pastor said, "That's one talent you should bury."
Before you're frank with anybody you need to stop and ask yourself, "Why am I saying this? Am I going to be frank with this person to demean them? Will it make me feel better by putting them down? Is what I'm about to say going to build up the relationship or tear it town? What is the motive? Am I serving them with this information? Why am I saying this? -- just to vent my anger and say `You jerk!' or am I doing it in tact?" When you speak, be tactful not just truthful.

2. When you are served by people, be understanding not demanding.

Luke 6:31 "Do to others as you would have them do to you." That's the Golden Rule and its also a remedy for rudeness. You do not want people to be demanding of you. And you do not respond well when they are. So you treat other people the way you want to be treated. Be understanding, not demanding.

I have often heard that one of the greatest tests of Christian character is how you treat a waitress or waiter? What would your coworkers say if we asked them if you ever treat them with disrespect? How do you treat the fast food worker who doesn't speak English? Are you understanding or are you demanding? What would your family say if we asked them if they ever feel like you simply don?t listen and don?t really care what they have to say? How do you answer questions that seem foolish?

Eric Hoffer: "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength," Rudeness is always an indication of weakness.

Love acts with understanding. It is not demanding. Do you know people who always make you feel like you?ve done something wrong or like everything is your fault? That?s rudeness. Do you know people who seem to talk down to others? That?s rudeness. Are you one of those people?

Proverbs 16:21-24 "The wise of heart is called understanding, and pleasant speech increases persuasiveness. Wisdom is a fountain of life to one who has it, but folly is the punishment of fools. The mind of the wise makes their speech judicious, and adds persuasiveness to their lips.

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

Would you like to be more persuasive with your children. Would you like to be more persuasive with your husband or wife or boss or employees or friends? The Bible says the way you're persuasive is by being pleasant. I'm never persuasive when I'm abrasive. You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. It is politeness that changes people, not rudeness. Be understanding, not demanding.

3. When you disagree with people be gentle not judgmental.

I had a social worker tell me that Christians were the most judgmental people in the world. How in the world can the people who claim to follow Jesus and seek to have their lives be modeled after his be accused of being judgmental?

As a Christian there are a lot of things in the world I disagree with, a lot of things that happen, a lot of lifestyles, behavior. There's a lot that takes place in the world that I disagree with. I don't even agree with everything you do and you're a Christian. We don't agree with each other. Am I supposed to run around as a personal policeman trying to police people who do not believe? No, Romans tells us what we're supposed to do. 14:12-13 "Each of us will give an account of themselves to God, therefore let us stop passing judgment on each other. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block in another's way."

There are three things from this admonition that I need to remember when I disagree with people whether it's their behavior or standards or whatever.

1) I need to realize that every one of us is going to give an account to God someday. All of us.
2) I'm not God.
3) I must not put a stumbling block in anybody?s way.

"Where ever there is jealousy or selfish ambition there will be disorder. But wisdom from above is peaceful, gentle and friendly."

Today there are many wrongs that need to be righted. There are many people in various bondages that need to be freed. There are ill informed, mistaken ideas that need to be corrected. There are cancerous hurts that need to be absorbed and healed. Where are the ones who will be instruments of remedy for our world? Where are the people who can live and proclaim the wholeness that God offers to our lives? Where are the people who can lovingly, confidently and tactfully offer God?s truth? You see, God?s truth always ultimately builds up. What kind of person can God use? John Woolman is just one example of such a person. Perhaps his greatest strength was that he was tactfully bold. Bold in the sense that he recognized a mammoth task and willing to attack it single handedly with nobody else helping him. Tactful in the sense that he never wanted to devastate emotionally those he was trying to help. Bold in the sense that he could name an evil and not personally fear the consequences. Tactful in the sense that his approaches were non condemnatory. Bold in the sense that he risked his reputation and influence on a sensitive subject matter a century before it became a public cause. Tactful in the sense that he respected the intellectual abilities of others and their ability to hear from God and led them to make the best decisions based on their own enlightenments. Tactfully bold. I think that's what God wants Christians to be when we disagree with each other. When we disagree with what we see in the world he wants us to be tactfully bold.

4. When you share your faith with people, respect them don't reject them.

Rob was sharing the story of his spiritual journey with a group of us yesterday ?.

He said he was dangerous.

Lee ? alienated everyone he knew.

Jesus ? spoke with respect to unbelievers. Treated the hurting with great dignity.

1 Peter 3:15 "In your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

This needs to be one of the focal verses for us here at Gateway for the next year.

Notice:

Christ has been set apart as Lord ? a decision.

We respond to need ? they ask, we do not force.

We are able to give reason ? we have studied, we are prepared.

We do it with gentleness and respect.

5. When people are rude to you, respond politely.

I tried to add lighter fluid to a small charcoal fire one time, and I just about blew up. That?s what rudeness does to rudeness.
The Bible says in Romans 12 "Do not repay evil with evil. Overcome evil with good." I read the other day where a pastor had received a card from a the Mom and Dad of an eight year old boy in his church named Doug Lorenzo. She wrote this on the back of a card the Sunday he started preaching a series on relationships. "Along the lines of your message today, our 8 year old son, Doug, had a player from the Little League team he played against yesterday tell Doug that `Doug's team sucked.' Doug looked him straight in the eye and said, `You pitched a great game.' The little boy was speechless and walked away. Doug had loved and overcome. We told him Jesus must have been smiling." Doug acted with love because love is not rude.

I went online the other night and did a search on rudeness and found an article entitled "In high-tech era, manners are a thing of the past." It talked about how the sheer pace of life has eliminated many of the common courtesies once demanded in common human intercourse. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree, whether you think the problem is worse or we are simply the latest manifestation of a species that tends toward rudeness, you must agree that much more of our time is spent worrying about productivity or acquisition than about other people?s needs. That means that in our intercourse with people we have to turn off the productivity/effectiveness button if we are going to truly be attentive to them. We have to choose to slow down the pace of our day in order not to be rude sometimes. And far too often we simply do not have the energy.

I want to encourage you to join me in a war against rudeness. As our world becomes more and more crowded and as the stress level goes up people are bound be more and more rude. Studies have shown that the more stress people have, the more stressed their job is, the more rude they tend to be. I want to challenge you to join me in a respect revolution. Let's all work on this together. Love is not rude. The one thing you're going to be judged for is how you treated other people

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