Recovering From Resentment
Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 20 February 1999 19:00
Read three short stories from the beginning of Applause of Heaven by Lucado.
This morning I would like for us to begin an assault on all which robs us of God?s peace and His joy. He has given it. It is available. And we can begin to access it this morning by ridding ourselves of the excess baggage of resentment and bitterness.
Resentment is a heavy load. We cannot hold onto it and grab onto God?s joy. We do not have the strength. We must let go of one or the other. I don?t know about you, but this morning I want to choose joy and I want to let go of resentment. I want to erase all of the books where I keep a record of all those who have wronged me.
- I WILL BE ENABLED TO CHOOSE JOY WHEN I REALIZE THAT THE RESENTMENT AND BITTERNESS I CLING TO ARE DAMAGING TO ME.
Resentment is foolish.
- Ecclesiastes 7:9 "Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."
- Because it is corrosive.
- Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine but a crushed spirit dries up your life."
- Rust on cars ? damages integrity of whole car.
- Resentment damages our emotional and spiritual integrity.
- Because it is burdensome.
- Cartop carrier adds weight and drag. Car performs with more difficulty. So our soul with bitterness performs with more difficulty.
- Job ? (tell Job?s story) -- talks about his soul being heavy with bitterness.
- Because it is self-defeating.
- Some time ago I was watching that great theological show The Three Stooges and that supreme theologian Curley was all upset because a guy kept slapping him on the chest. He couldn't stand it. He tells Moe "I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get some dynamite and strap it to my chest. The next time he slaps me it'll blow his hand off!" That's about how smart getting resentful is.
- Resentment is hell in the heart. It is emotional suicide. It is like cancer.
- Ric Warren tells this story: "A few years back we were meeting in the Laguna Hills gym a lady came from Newport Beach who later became a member. She had just gone through an horrendous divorce. Incredibly stressed. She had gone blind in one eye during the divorce proceedings just from the stress. She went from doctor after doctor trying to get her sight back. They couldn't get it back. The doctors said they couldn't do anything about it; she would be blind the rest of her life. Her sight had deteriorated. The first Sunday she came I was speaking on resentment. She came to church to find some answers. At the end of the service she prayed, "God flush out all the resentment in my life. Get rid of the bitterness and fill me with Your love." She finished the prayer, walked out across the patio, her sight came back."
Resentment is false.
- "Resentment is doubly deadly because it views the real person, whose fault is being kept alive, through a lens fouled by anger?" Smedes p. 76
- Because it blinds me to my own fault. (Romans 3:23) Like a house of mirrors, distorts reality.
- Because it assumes that I have the right to stand in judgement.
- Matthew 7:3 "Why do you see the speck in your neighbor?s eye but refuse to see the log in your own eye?"
Resentment is foolish and it is false. We are hurting ourselves far more than we hurt anyone else when we hold on to a grudge.
But we also hurt others. Resentment destroys relationships. Other people certainly feel the effects of our resentment: the pervasive coldness, the barriers to intimacy, the measured reserve, the determined distance. They feel the effects because we want them to feel it. We want them to hurt. In fact, they deserve to hurt, we tell ourselves. We have measured them on the virtue score and they have come up lacking. We, of course, have scored much higher on the virtue score. That?s why we deserve to be so angry. Nevermind that our resentment is killing the relationship and our own spirit, and eventually our own health, we will nurture it because it feels good. Tit?s like a sore that gives a spurt of painful pleasure when we touch it, so resentment is bittersweet.
But the Bible tells us its foolish and false. "Love keeps no record of wrongs."
Certainly the Apostle Paul would have known something about keeping records. He supported himself as a tentmaker. Wherever he went he brought his craft with him. He had to work hard to build a clientele and to keep them satisfied and passing his name along. But his next meal depended on being paid in a timely fashion. Paul knew that good business required keeping accurate records. But not relationship. In relationship there can be no record keeping.
1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins."
- Honest acknowledgement that we will hurt one another.
- Love covers those, not ignoring, but forgiving. Like a blanket on a winter night. The blanket does not deny the cold, it simply protects against it?s effects.
How often should we forgive? The disciples asked Jesus this very question. Matthew 18:21f ?
3. THE CURE FOR RESENTMENT
Admit it. Be honest. Tell the truth. Own up to it, "It hurt!"
There were certainly times when Jesus? disciples disappointed him and he let them know honestly.
2. Release your offender.
Let them go, forgive them. You're never going to have relief until you do.
Never has anyone had more reason to be resentful than Jesus. Yet in the face of profound injustice, mistreatment and betrayal he offers forgiveness.
And what about after the resurrection? He ignores his persecutors and reinstates his friends.
Clara Barton was the founder of the American Red Cross. There was a man who had hurt her deeply early in her life. Years later she was involved in his life again. She was speaking about him to another person very kindly. The person said, "Wasn't that the guy who hurt you?" Barton said, "Yes, I distinctly remember forgetting that hurt." It's a choice. You can hold on to the hurt and let it turn to hate. Let it go. You reveal the hurt, you release the offender. Not just when you feel like it but when you don't feel like it because it's the right thing to do.
"If I just let them go they get off scott free. That's not fair!" You're right. It's not fair. But who said life is fair? God certainly didn't. Life isn't fair. A lot of evil people get away with a lot of evil things. That's why I have a deep belief in both heaven and hell. If you don't believe in hell you've got a real problem. Do people like Hitler just get away with it? They kill several million people and then take their own life. That's it? God is not only the God of love, He's the God of justice. One day He's going to settle the score. The Bible says He's going to call for an accounting. We're going to be called into account. I'm going to be called into account for all the people I've hurt. That's why I need salvation. That's why I need Jesus Christ in my life. That's why you do too. I'll never make it on my merit, my goodness. I'm not good enough. Neither are you.
Life is not fair. But one day God is going to even it all out. Settle the score. My suggestions to you is do what God says to do. Forgive the person and let God worry about evening it up. Who has more resources at His disposal anyway, you or God? Who can do a better job at evening things out, you or God? While you're waiting on God to even the score to give you justice, you forgive them so you can get on with living so you can be free.
Reveal your hurt is step one. Release your offender is step two.
4. Reach out to God?s love.
Agape is the theme of 1 Corinthians 13.
You need to ask God into your life. Invite Christ to come in and fill you with His forgiveness. Why? I don't think you can manufacture enough forgiveness in your life to handle all the hurts you're going to face, not only those of the past but those you'll have between now and when you die. You'll be hurt so many times, I don't think you can manufacture enough human forgiveness to handle it. You need God's forgiveness in your life. Think of Corrie Ten Boom, the lady who hid Jews in her apartment to protect them from the Nazis. When they were caught, not only were the Jews shipped off to the concentration camps but Corrie and her family were too. Everybody in her family was killed in the concentration camps except Corrie. She endured torture and abuse and all kinds of things. She later went back and met the guards that had abused her and forgave them. You can't do that with human forgiveness. You need God's supernatural power in your life in order to let it go and be able to say, "It wasn't good. It wasn't fun. It was bad. But I believe that God can even bring good out of the bad and somehow the rest of my life is going to be the best of my life."
So you reach out to God and ask Him to fill you with His forgiveness. That's a process, not a one shot deal. You do this over and over as you're healed of these things.
Romans 8:28
The story of Joseph.
What hurtful memory are you choosing to hold onto. Something somebody said? or did? or thought about you? It still causes pain today. Maybe it happened years ago but when something triggers your memory it's just as painful as it was on that day. Who have you said about, "I'm never going to be like that person." If you don't release them you start to resemble them. Resentment does strange things to us. Some of you need to forgive your parents. We all had imperfect parents but some of you had parents that hurt you and you loved them and hated them at the same time. That's hard for a little kid to figure out. But it is possible to love somebody and hate them at the same time. "I love my daddy but why is he doing this?" "I love my mom but why does she say this?" That's hard for a kid to figure out.
Some of you need to forgive a former spouse. They made your life miserable in the past; don't let them make your life miserable now. You don't have to. They can't hurt you any more unless you hold on to a grudge. Resentment is not worth it. It's unreasonable, unhelpful, it's unhealthy. For your sake forgive them.
"But I just can't forgive them!" That's why you need Jesus Christ. You need Him in your life. He can provide the power to forgive that nobody else can. He can heal that hurt that no one else can. Open your life to Him. Let?s experience all the joy He has for us.
Prayer:
I'm sure that God has spoken to some of you very pointedly. Would you pray this simple prayer in your mind, "Jesus Christ I want my heart to be right. In faith, I'm reaching out to You. Please take this resentment out of my life. I choose to forgive them. [If someone comes to your mind, forgive those situations.] I choose to forgive them right now. Help me to face the world again. Help me to focus on You in the future. Replace my pain with Your peace. Jesus Christ, replace my hurt with Your healing. Replace my fear with Your faith. Replace my bitterness with Your love. In Jesus' name. Amen."