Forgiveness- The Key to Handling Hurt and Betrayal

Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 04 September 1999 19:00

The German philosopher Schopenhauer compared the human race to a bunch of porcupines huddling together on a cold winter?s night. He said, "The colder it gets outside, the more we huddle together for warmth; but the closer we get to one another, the more we hurt one another with our sharp quills. And in the lonely night of earth?s winter eventually we begin to drift apart and wander out on our own and freeze to death in our loneliness."

At Gateway, we believe our mission is to be used by God to draw people into authentic Christian community. Admittedly, what we are attempting is very, very difficult for a bunch of porcupines. But we believe that we can not only survive the winter, we believe we can thrive by huddling together. So what do we do about our quills? As all of us know by experience, it is impossible to be involved in someone else?s life to any degree without causing and receiving offense. We will be hurt; we will be betrayed. How do we handle it, fellow porcupines?

According to Jesus the way to handle offense is by forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21-35

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

(22) Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

(23) "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. (24) As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. (25) Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

(26) "The servant fell on his knees before him. `Be patient with me,' he begged, `and I will pay back everything.' (27) The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

(28) "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. `Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

(29) "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, `Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

(30) "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. (31) When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

(32) "Then the master called the servant in. `You wicked servant,' he said, `I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. (33) Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' (34) In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

(35) "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

I. The Benefits of Forgiveness

Promotes Friendship

Proverbs 17:9 (NRSV) "One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend."
Word for forgive = "cover", like the way an umbrella covers you during the rain, or the way a blanket covers you in the cold.
1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins."
Porcupines who cannot forgive end up all alone in the winter night.
Those porcupines who have managed to surround themselves with a supportive network of friends are those porcupines who have mastered the art of forgiveness.

Allows God?s Forgiveness

God?s forgiveness has very few conditions. We must repent, we must believe, we must confess. But surprisingly, we must also forgive others. If we do not forgive, God will not forgive us.
Verse 35 of the parable. (Mt. 6:15; Mk. 11:25)
It seems that God has not forgiven us simply so that we might feel better. He intends for us to be agents of forgiveness.
Remember the principle we talked about a few weeks ago: receiving God?s mercy like a colander? Same applies here.

Nurtures Joy

According to The April 5^th issue of Time magazine, forgiveness has become the latest hot topic in the research community. Several significant studies are being conducted right now at Hope College in Michigan, at UT in Austin, and at Emory University in Atlanta. Not surprisingly, the studies are finding that unforgiveness is related to increased stress, poor job performance, poor memory response and over the long-term the subjective sense of loss of control. Some researchers are speculating that unforgiveness may result in a wide range of cardiovascular, and nervous system diseases.
Gilbert Beers wrote this poem called "Joy Is ?"

Error is the inevitable consequence of living.

Mutual error is the inevitable consequence of living together.

Argument or faultfinding is the defensive mechanism to preserve an ego in trouble.

Confession is the sacrifice of ego on the altar of love.

Forgiveness is the balm of healing that soothes and heals the wounds of error.

Joy is the fresh new path, stretching out before the forgiver and the forgiven.

Aba Gayle knows something about this joy. In 1980, Gayle?s daughter and a friend were stabbed to death on a pear farm in Sacramento California. Her overwhelming grief gave way to indescribable anger when the killer was found. Douglas Mickey was eventually convicted and sentenced to die for the deaths. Gayle left the proceedings horrified that such a sentence could be imposed, but when a date for execution was set, in a moment of what she now calls "temporary insanity" she asked for a seat as a witness, hoping to see Mickey pay for her daughter?s death.

Several years later in 1992, Gayle decided to write her daughter?s killer a letter. "It just flowed," she says. She told him she forgave him and was willing to visit him. "The instant the letter was in the mailbox," she recalls, "all the rage, all the lust for revenge disappeared." Gayle recounts being enabled to experience joy for the first time in 2 decades. Mickey eventually wrote her back. He told her that what he had done was an "unspeakable burden" to his soul. He was, it seems in a prison far worse than the one represented by bars and cells. And her forgiveness had set him free.

The Limits of Forgiveness

There are none.
You and I are worried about being doormats.Apparently Jesus wasn?t worried about that. He seems almost reckless with his love. He invites people into his confidence and when they betray him, he still forgives them.
In the same vein, you and I worry about giving people too much permission. Apparently Jesus wasn?t worried about that. He gave people permission to doubt him. He gave them permission to deny him, to betray him, to reject him, to lie about him and ultimately to kill him.
Why should we forgive like that? Because God has forgiven us much more.

Steps to Forgiveness

A. Refuse to strike back

3 times the OT tells us an eye for an eye. But Jesus says,

Eye for eye was national law. Jesus gives the interpersonal law.
You cannot overcome evil with evil. That only increases the evil. You must overcome evil with good.

Empathize

This is what God has done for us in Christ. "God made him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God."
Means to put myself in their place. This is a choice. C. S. Lewis quote

Act with good will

Romans 12:17-21

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, do not take revenge, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Josephine Ligon illustration
This is what Aba Gayle did to her daughter?s killer.

Choose warmth and love

This is how God composes himself toward us. He does not forgive us begrudgingly. He loves us. He is glad to offer His forgiveness.
Here is a doctrine that is uniquely Christian. Here is costly forgiveness. Up till now this lesson has spoken to our heads and our wills. Now at last the idea of forgiveness reaches our hearts. We are asked not only to forgive but to like it.
Tempted to:

harden our hearts against the hurt. In this case we are able to offer cheap forgiveness by denying our pain. Costly forgiveness recognizes its hurt. It does not hide its deep disappointment not even from itself.

Pretend nothing happened. In this case we are able to offer cheap forgiveness by minimizing the offense. Costly forgiveness is not blind. It sees the offense and the offender. But it also sees itself as one who offends, who needs forgiveness.

Jesus says love your enemies. This means more than simply to do good things toward them. It means to feel deep, warm and positive affection for them.
We are not called to love the rock and sediment, which hide the diamond. We are called to love the diamond. Forgiveness is that power which God uses to blast away the rock and remove the sediment. Forgiveness breaks through the hardness and debris to release the beauty within.

Hold on to forgiveness.

Do you know how much the world needs forgiveness?

Ernest Hemingway wrote a story about a father and his teenage son. In the story, the relationship had become somewhat strained, and the teenage son ran away from home. His father began a journey in search of that rebellious son.

Finally, in Madrid, Spain, in a last desperate attempt to find the boy, the father put an ad in the local newspaper. The ad read: "Dear Paco, Meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven. I love you. Your father." The next day, in front of the newspaper office, eight hundred Pacos showed up. They were all seeking forgiveness. They were all seeking the love of their father.

There are some Pacos here this morning. There are some here who need to offer Paco forgiveness.

Church Office: 703.327.2700
24796 Gum Spring Road
South Riding, VA 20152