Managing Your Speech and Conflict Well

Written by Ed Allen
Sunday, 20 May 2001 09:00

Ephesians: Christianity for Dummies

It would be hard to overestimate the importance of communication in every relationship. In our lesson today we are given some very practical tools in managing communication. We will be given a compass to guide us and a thermometer to check our health.

The Christian life is a communal life. The "super-Christian" standing bravely alone against the world is a myth. The ethics of the Christian life are driven by the desire for community. This is God's desire for us. He has designed us with that end in mind. And the laws of behavior, which He has given us are given with that end in mind. He does not desire for us to be better people simply for the sake of being good. He desires for us to be better people so that we might manage our relationships more effectively.

This morning we will look at the purpose of our communication with one another. This will serve as a compass for us. Then we will look at our attitude in conflict situations. This will serve as a thermometer for us. Then we will look at two implications.

Ephesians 4:29-5:2

(29) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (31) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (32) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(1) Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children (2) and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

The purpose of our communication is to build others up.

1. What is the purpose of our communication?

• Usually information

• Sometimes release (need to blow off steam)

• Sometimes entertainment

• The Bible says the purpose of our communication is to build others up.

a. By implication, it also says that "unwholesome talk" tears others down.

b. "unwholesome talk" grieves the Holy Spirit (v.29).

• Imagine: God is moved by us.

• "With whom you were sealed" ? sealing was a sign of ownership and oversight. Imagine choosing teams and someone you choose works against you. This is why God is grieved when we tear one another down in our speech. We are weakening the team.

• Word "unwholesome" literally means "rotten"

c. "unwholesome talk" includes:

• gossip

• obscenity

• foolish talk

• coarse joking

2. This sense of purpose serves like a compass in our relationships giving us direction and guidance. Think about how this works out practically.

• A single woman comes to you to get advice about a new man in her life. If your goal is to make her happy, then your advice may run one way. If it is to build her up, then your advice may run another.

• In your home fellowship someone is always horsing around. Joking is their way of responding to everything. If your goal is to get along then you may laugh when funny and ignore when not. But if your goal is to build up and you know that that is his goal as well, then you may make an observation with this person.

• If you have a critical spirit, then this lesson forces you to realize that you must do an awful lot of confessing.
  

What should our attitude in conflict be?

This passage doesn't mention the word conflict, but clearly that is the context of the next lesson. We are given a list of words that have to do with how we react when we are in a fight. So how should we react?

1. In a conflict our attitude should be kindness and compassion. This will manifest itself specifically in forgiveness.

a. Notice that the Bible encourages us to replace a negative with a positive (vv.31-32).

• It is not enough, for instance, for us to be accepting and tolerant. These are great qualities, but the Bible calls for more. These are passive. The Bible calls for active response from us.

• C. S. Lewis - culture places lack of self-centeredness as highest virtue. But the highest virtue should be love.

b. We are told to "get rid of" ? And to "be kind and compassionate to one another." Literally to "become" kind and compassionate.

• Clearly this is a process and it points to an essential spiritual principle underneath this lesson. The Christian life is not a passive life. We do not wander into holiness. We do not accidentally arrive at being the people who will glorify God by our actions and who can live effectively with one another. We arrive at such a place by disciplined, aggressive obedience that is built on radical dependence on God.

c. God is the source of change in our lives. We cannot change ourselves.

• In fact, this same characteristic, "kindness", is listed in another place in the Bible as a "fruit" of the Spirit. It is a characteristic that God must build into our lives. But as God builds it into us, we must display it. We must choose it. God builds His character into our lives but we must choose to display it

2. The business of being kind and compassionate will demonstrate itself specifically in our forgiveness of others who have wronged us.

a. You don't get to be in relationship with others without being hurt.

• Can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Never known anyone like this ?" Of course you haven't. You've never been this close to anyone else before.

b. If we're going to reflect God's character and manage conflict well, then we will be forgiving. You cannot be forgiving in relationships without forgiveness.

3. This teaching serves as a thermometer for us.

• If you are unable to forgive your husband, your wife, or your friend, then recognize that you have a temperature.

• Example... Someone in your home fellowship spends lots of energy talking about someone else, criticizing their character, running them down. You do not need to listen to this and certainly do not allow your opinion to be infected by this opinion. You need to encourage them to forgive. They may say, "I have nothing to forgive them of ? I just think they are a jerk." Then, they must have some unforgiveness in their heart because it is full of slander.

What are the implications?

1. As we govern our speech and demonstrate this kind of character we become imitators of God.

• Breathtaking language!

• Our motivation in this is our familial relationship with God. My children will be like me. We have God's spiritual DNA.

2. And we become lovers.

• Not in isolated incidences, but we will live lives of love. People everywhere in all their encounters of us will notice this about us.

• Our motivation comes from the example of Christ's sacrifice for us.

• Jesus' death was more than an example - but it was an example to us.

God gives us motivation for our behavior. Wants us to be aware of the benefit. Wants to assist us in our efforts to obey.

The development of our character requires our full participation. Righteousness is not something we drift into. We must "put off" old habits and old thought patterns and "put on" new ones. You may need help this morning ? Get it.

Understand: Christianity at its core is not based on what we do. We are brought into a relationship with God because of what God did for us. It happens to us because of God's grace.

But in order to grow in the life He is giving us, to seize all the blessings and power He makes available to us we must choose it. We must manage our speech well. We must manage ourselves in conflict well. In doing this we must be people who imitate God and who live lives characterized by love.