Forgiveness and Bitterness

Written by Ed Allen
Saturday, 29 May 2004 19:00

How to Deal with How You Feel

In the following pages we will look at steps that we can take that will allow us to forgive others and to experience freedom from bitterness. But before we do, let's look at some truths about forgiveness in general.

We could all learn much from what Ruben Hurricane Carter said about bitterness. Carter was a celebrated black boxer, who was falsely charged and wrongly convicted of murder. On June 17, 1966, two black men walked into the Lafayette Grill in Paterson, New Jersey, and shot three people to death. Carter and an acquaintance fit the description of the murderers - they fit the description in that they were two black men. So Carter was convicted and jailed, but he never shut up. The fiercely outspoken boxer maintained his claims of innocence and became his own jailhouse lawyer. After serving nineteen years, he was finally released. As a free man, Carter reflected on how he has responded to injustice in his life.

The question invariably arises, it has before and it will again: "Rubin, are you bitter?" And in answer to that I will say, "After all that's been said and done-the fact that the most productive years of my life, between the ages of twenty-nine and fifty, have been stolen; the fact that I was deprived of seeing my children grow up-wouldn't you think I would have a right to be bitter? Wouldn't anyone under those circumstances have a right to be bitter? In fact, it would be very easy to be bitter. But that has never been my nature, or my lot, to do things the easy way. If I have learned nothing else in my life, I've learned that bitterness only consumes the vessel that contains it. And for me to permit bitterness to control or to infect my life in any way whatsoever would be to allow those who imprisoned me to take even more than the 22 years they've already taken. Now that would make me an accomplice to their crime.

I think many of us have become accomplices in the cause of our own hurt and harm. By holding onto bitterness we get hung up and never move on to forgiveness.

When we hold on to bitterness and refuse to forgive, I believe it works something like the flow chart on the right below. The left side represents a healthy response. The right side represents a blocked response. The arrows represent movement.

Notice the flow is interrupted on the right. The hurt runs into what I have called a "soft spot." This may be some past hurt, or some insecurity, or some need that drives us to believe we have a right to be angry and to stay angry until the offending person makes it right.
Jesus tells us flat out that this kind of attitude is not part of healthy spirituality. This kind of dynamic will inhibit our ability to make a connection with God and it will inhibit our personal sense of freedom. Look at:

Matthew 6:9-15
Matthew 18:21-35

The Matthew 18 passage tells us three general things we need to know about forgiveness:

1) The word forgiveness is the same word used in connection with someone being released from debt.

1. Forgiveness essentially means that we give up our rights. We give up our right to be paid back, our right to see the other person suffer, and our right to be right. All claims are relinquished. We do not hold on to anything.
2. This does not mean we simply allow people to walk all over us. Forgiveness does not mean enablement.
3. For example, we do not let the one who has stolen from us continue to have access to our finances. But we do not hold on to the right to be paid back by them either.

2) Forgiveness does not have a limit.

1. Seventy times seven by which Jesus meant for us to keep on forgiving indefinitely.

3) If we refuse to forgive others, God will not forgive us.

1. General Oglethorpe: "I never forgive and I never forget." John Wesley: "Then, sir, I hope you never sin."
2. Imagine having a problem with generosity and having someone say, "I'll pay for everything you need or want, so go be generous."
3. This is like God's forgiveness. God's forgiveness covers everything on your behalf, so go offer it to others.

Now we are ready to consider steps that we can take in order to experience freedom from bitterness.

SIX STEPS TO FORGIVENESS AND FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS

STEP 1: IDENTIFY THE SOURCE OF THE BITTERNESS

1. 2 Samuel 17, 18

1. Ahithophel grandfather of Bathsheba (see 2 Samuel 23:34 and 2 Samuel 11:3). Ahithophel was very bitter at King David. He allowed that bitterness to fester and waited for an opportunity to retaliate.
2. In Ahithophel's case the source of the bitterness was not apparent on the surface, but I believe he understood the source of his bitterness. David had had an adulterous affair with his granddaughter. But at other times we do not even know the real source of our bitterness. We believe that we are mad at something someone did, but if our anger cannot be released or if it is out of proportion to what they have done, then chances are we have hit a soft spot. There is some hurt from our past or some insecurity that their hurt has stumbled onto.
3. The source of the bitterness, the soft spot, must be identified.
4. Here is the result of bitterness that it allowed to fester: we loose relationships and ultimately may loose our lives. That's what happened to Ahithophel.

2. We must identify the soft spot, the hurt spot in our lives.

This is the place where bitterness can take root. Let me give an example of soft spots. It may be that I was hurt very much as a young man by something my father said to me repeatedly. "Why are you such a sissy? Quit being a cry baby!" I may have vowed that I will never be hurt like that again. I will never let my emotions get the best of me. But relationships always involve some level of hurt, and certainly an emotional investment, if we achieve any level of intimacy. So when I get hurt again in a close relationship, I withdraw and my heart turns hard and bitter. Is it because of the depth of the hurt I have experienced? I feel like it is, but more is going on. At least to some degree, I am responding to the older hurt. That old hurt is really the source of my bitterness. When I can identify that, I am able to deal effectively with the current hurt.

STEP 2: PULL OUT BITTERNESS BY THE ROOT

1. Hebrews 12:15

2. I cannot allow bitterness to fester. When I have identified the source, I must root out the bitterness I am experiencing now. Regardless of how justified I may feel I must do the hard work of letting go of my bitterness. It is not justified and it is only hurting me!

3. As Hebrews says, bitterness inevitably becomes a burden to us and defiles many.

Last year on June 14, sixty descendants of the original Hatfields and McCoys gathered in Pikefield, KY to sign a document declaring an official end to their feud. The ceremony was nationally televised and was attended by the governors of W. Virginia and Kentucky. The feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky had lasted for 125 years. Most of the descendants think the feuding began in 1878 when Randolph McCoy accused one of the Hatfields of stealing a hog. The Hatfields won the "hog war'' when a McCoy cousin sided with the opposing clan. And with that the bitterness began.

Over the years, 12 people have been killed, thousands of dollars in property damage has been lost, and tens of thousands of dollars in court fees have been spent.

Clearly, bitterness has the power to defile many. That's why we have to root it out.

When I was a kid, we lived in a rural community that specialized in growing tobacco. I remember watching people work tobacco all summer long. This week, I ran into a note from an author named Alan Beck that fascinated me. He said, "My first summer job was weeding tobacco, and most of the time we would walk the seemingly endless rows with a hoe, scuffing out weeds in relative comfort. But inevitably when we got close to the fence, we ran into thistles-hundreds and hundreds of little thistles. They looked harmless enough, but you couldn't scuff them out with a hoe; you had to get down on your knees and pull those prickly little things out by the roots. We often thought it would be far easier to just let them stay there. After all, they weren't very big. But the farmer knew if we left them until harvest time, when we reached down to get a handful of tobacco, we would come away with a palm full of thorns."

Beck ended his illustration like this: "I have found that in my life, bitterness is a lot like those little thistles. We can push away hurts and pains, but the only way to get rid of bitterness is to fall to our knees and pull it out by the root through prayer. It is hard work, but if we leave a little bitterness in our hearts, it grows until it does real damage to someone."

STEP 3: ASSUME THE BEST THAT YOU CAN ABOUT THE OFFENDING PERSON.

1. In Jesus' parable, the master "took pity" on the servant. He assumed the best that he could about his intentions.

2. This is what Paul means in the passage we looked at last week. In the context of releasing bitterness he says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another." This is hard work, but we must condition ourselves to think as favorably as we can.

3. This is also what Paul means when he says, "bear with one another in love."

4. We can often accomplish this by reminding ourselves of our own shortcomings. We need others to assume the best about us and we often blame them when they don't. We should assume the best as well.

5. It is true that sometimes people do not mean well and we know it. Even in this case, we can try to understand why they are operating like this and extend as much grace as possible. That's why I said assume the best that you can! But make sure you really know the person means to do harm before you assume that they do.

STEP 4: CHERISH YOUR OWN FORGIVENESS

1. This is Jesus' main point in his parable.

2. Real connection with God does not result in simply knowing that you are forgiven. Real connection is blown away by forgiveness.

3. It's not enough to be aware of God's forgiveness. We've got to understand how much God has forgiven us and we've got to cherish that forgiveness if we are going to be free to forgive others.

4. The first servant is forgiven a fortune. Yet he cannot forgive 3 months wages? Are we sometimes like that?

STEP 5: WHATEVER IT IS, LET GOD HANDLE IT

1. Romans 12:19 "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."

2. God will settle all accounts. You are incapable. You cannot carry the burden. You cannot accomplish it.

3. I am reminded of a scene from Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump is the life story of a physically and mentally challenged man (Tom Hanks), who accomplishes the incredible with his simple reasoning and persistence.

In one scene, Forrest and his childhood friend Jenny are walking down an old gravel road shaded by hardwood trees. Jenny carries her sandals, and the walk seems pleasant until they happen upon an abandoned, weather-worn house. The sight is horrifying to Jenny. It is her childhood home, a place where Jenny had been abused by her alcoholic father.

Forrest sees the pain etched on Jenny's face as she walks ahead of him toward the old abandoned house. Suddenly, Jenny throws her shoes at the house and then begins picking up rocks and furiously throwing them against the house. Years of pent up anger are unleashed. When nothing is left to throw at the house, Jenny falls to the ground crying. Forrest sits down in the muddy driveway beside her, and says,

"Sometimes, I guess, there just aren't enough rocks."

There are never enough rocks to satisfy our bitterness! We simply don't have the capacity or the wisdom to carry out justice perfectly. But God does. He sees every hurt and every harm. He knows the heart perfectly. He knows exactly the right way to meet out justice and He has the power to do so. This is what Peter finally came to understand as he watched Jesus die. Listen to Peter's summary from 1 Peter 2:23: "When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

You see, this is why Jesus was able to go to the cross without bitterness. Sure, he knew that it was his destiny. He knew that the distance between God and His people had to be bridged. But, even still, how could he look at his accusers with pity? How could he see them with compassion while looking through swollen eyes and a battered face? How could he feel anything but the open wounds pressed against the cruel cross? How could he get past the excruciating pain of broken ankles and shattered wrists? He could do so because he could trust God to handle it.

STEP 6: FORGIVE.

When we are hurt, many of us cannot get to this point easily, but we must get there. I believe our happiness depends on it. I was interested this week when I read about a recent study of what makes people happy. Psychologist Ed Diener, from the University of Illinois summarized part of the findings like this: "Materialism is toxic for happiness." Even rich materialists aren't as happy as those who care less about getting and spending. The article also quoted University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson, who indicated forgiveness is the trait most strongly linked to happiness. Peterson said, "It's the queen of all virtues, and probably the hardest to come by."

Walk through steps 1 through 5 and then offer forgiveness. It is the only way to rid yourself of the burden of bitterness.

Let me conclude with a couple of stories. Read these for further inspiration. Also find a suggested pathway to forgiveness at the end and the answer to some frequently asked questions on the topic.

On the evening of April 25, 1958, a terrible tragedy happened on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania. A young Korean exchange student, a leader in student Christian affairs, left his apartment and went to the corner to mail a letter to his parents in Korea. As he turned back from the mailbox, he stepped into the path of 11 leather-jacketed teenage boys. Without a word, they attacked him, beating him with a blackjack, a lead pipe and even with their shoes and fists. Later that evening, the police found this Korean boy in the gutter.. he was dead from this beating. All Philadelphia cried out for vengeance. The D.A. gave legal authority for the boys to be tried as adults, so they could be given the death penalty. Then, shortly before the trial, a letter arrived from Korea addressed to the D.A. It was signed by the parents and 20 other relatives of the murdered boy. It read in part:

"Our family has met together and we have decided to petition that the most generous treatment possible within the laws of your government be given to those who have committed this criminal action. In order to give evidence of our sincere hope contained in this petition, we have decided to save money to start a fund to be used for the religious, educational, vocational, and social guidance of the boys when they are released... We have dared to express our hope with a spirit received from the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ who died for our sins."

A Nigerian woman who is a physician at a great teaching hospital in the United States came out of the crowd today to say something kind about the lecture I had just given. She introduced herself using an American name. "What's your African name?" I asked. She immediately gave it to me, several syllables long with a musical sound to it.

"What does the name mean?" I wondered.

She answered, "It means 'Child who takes the anger away.'"

When I inquired as to why she would have been given this name, she said, "My parents had been forbidden by their parents to marry. But they loved each other so much that they defied the family opinions and married anyway. For several years they were ostracized from both their families. Then my mother became pregnant with me. And when the grandparents held me in their arms for the first time, the walls of hostility came down. I became the one who swept the anger away. And that's the name my mother and father gave me."
It occurred to me that her name would be a suitable one for Jesus.

Citation: Gordon MacDonald, author, speaker

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

"What about if it still hurts? Have I forgiven someone if it still hurts?"

We will deal with what forgiveness looks like in a minute, but this is a very good question. Sometimes, when we are hurt, the hurt lingers for a long time. This does not necessarily mean that you have not forgiven the other person.

I have heard it illustrated like this. Suppose someone is in a belfry ringing a bell. Someone else is in another part of the building and realizes that the bell should not be ringing, so they go to the belfry and instruct the bell ringer to stop. Even when the bell ringer agrees to stop, the bell continues to sound as the momentum of the swinging carries the bell for several more rotations back and forth. With each rotation the ringing grows softer, but it is ringing still. After a while the ringing is hard to detect and finally it stops altogether.

Hurt is often like that. Even when we offer forgiveness, which is in effect like ceasing to ring the bell in our own hearts, we may still feel the after effects for some time. But they diminish with time. God is like gravity in this case. He slowly repairs our heart and the relationship if we will let him.

If I do not forgive someone else will I really not go to heaven?

We do not ever want to make the mistake of believing that we have to earn our way to heaven by acting a certain way. But Jesus does indicate that if we hold on to unforgiveness, God will not forgive us. This may be because an unforgiving spirit is a sign that God does not have control over our hearts.

How do I forgive someone? I don't even know what to do!

On the following page, I have given a prayer of forgiveness that is a very effective guide. This prayer is borrowed with permission from Grace Ministries in Manassas, VA. They can be contacted at 703-330-0977. (They also have a tape on forgiveness available.)

Putting the attitude into practice

1. "Name of person, it hurt me when you _____________." (be specific)
2. "And it made me feel ____________________."
3. "Name of person, because I am by nature a forgiving person in Christ, I now choose to forgive you. You are forgiven! I release you from the debt you owe me. You never have to make it up to me or pay me back. Even though it would be nice if you would come to me and ask my forgiveness, you never have to admit what you 've done to me or be sorry for it. You are free."
4. "I accept you unconditionally, which means that my lov4e and acceptance of you does not depend on you, or your past, present, o future performance. I accept you just the way you are ? even if you get worse."
5. "I give up the right to be the judge, jury, and prosecuting attorney in these matters. That is God's job. You are not responsible to me for meeting my standards of whether you were 'right' or 'wrong' in what you did . I now choose to let God be God, and I acknowledge that you and your behavior are His responsibility. You now answer to Him, not me."
6. "Name of person, I release you from the responsibility to meet my needs for (1) ____________, (2) ________________, (3) ______________. I choose to trust Jesus alone as my total, complete, and true source for meeting all my needs, especially my needs for (1) _______________, (2) _________________, (3) ________________."
7. "Because I am in Christ, and am already safe, secure, and accepted, I am willing to risk being hurt again by you and will trust Jesus alone as my wisdom about you and the nature of our relationship in the future. I will trust Christ and what He wants to do in the future should I be hurt by you again."
8. "God, I give up the right to have my feelings change according to my time schedule. Thank you that I don't have to look to my feelings as the indicator as to whether or not I have forgiven. Thank you that anger and fear no longer have to be what motivates me in this relationship."